The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I'm Learning Something This Morning

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm Learning Something This Morning

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:01 pm

    (I wonder if I need the last stanza or the last two stanzas.)   ?????


    I'm Learning Something This Morning

    The newspaper tells about a hay shortage.
    Says that every rancher in the south
    is losing money on horses, every day
    of every month.

    Imagine it.  To wake up knowing you
    can't afford sweet feed or hay.  To know
    not letting them go means going into
    deeper debt, a deeper hole, to know it
    while rubbing a nose comforting you.

    It's the American way, holding on and
    losing a little each moment.  I wonder if
    prayers help the fusspots and worryguts,
    those wanting the impossible, but
    unwilling to let go. 

    Letting go is difficult.  An art not taught.
    Modeled by few, but not taught.
    Perhaps the trick is finding a model,
    but that probably means looking beyond
    family. 

    Those shoveling stalls and riding horses
    may be taking the family toward ruin
    but not be able to speak of it.  More incredible,
    I suppose, is letting go of what comforts
    and comes every time they're called.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat

    Post  tsukany on Sat Mar 26, 2016 7:38 am

    Pat

    If this were Collins, he'd make a setting in the title (I'm learning something new), the first sentence would tell what that was (hay shortage), and then he'd spin that topic.

    Title (setting and dramatic situation)

    Stanzas:

    1 - expansion of dramatic situation in 3rd person
    2 - talk to reader in 2nd person  (not sure what "them" is
    3 - comment on culture in 1st person
    4 - moral lesson spoken to reader by persona?
    5 - return to hay? in 1st person

    I keep trying to determine if the hay is something that is obtained or denied.  The first stanza indicates shortage and the last seems to indicate its use ruins families.

    For me, the energy resides in stanza 4. 

    Hope others can be more help.  Thanks Pat for understanding.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    I'm Learning Something New This Morning

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 27, 2016 3:49 pm

    Pat,... Interesting setting... might be a stretch going from shortage of hay to this "human condition"... Love the poem!... I take it the "nose" is a horses nose... and who is comforting whom?  Is there a word missing in that end line?...  I like the power in S.#4.  Worth an entire poem for sure.  A little mending in the persona area might be in order as I'm not sure about the pronoun usage.   As I finish this statement I'm reaching for my copy of "PUSH MOUNTAIN ROAD" again.   I find this poem there.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    The topic and setting

    Post  Pat on Sun Mar 27, 2016 6:25 pm

    would definitely fit Push Mountain Road.  : )  Much to be mended on this poem.  It's pretty raw.  Good feedback.   Just home from Harrison, minus three fun kiddos.  Nice to come home to poetry and critiques.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    A horse is a horse of course, of course

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:52 pm

    Pat,  The overall thought is a picture of worry and woe of sorts whitted down to horse feed.  We worry about the mundane sometimes and you show us that.  You do over step your bounds with "It is the American way, holding on and losing a little each moment."  I can find that on my own without you telling me.  I think if you drop that sentence, "the fusspots and worryguts" will carry me to that conclusion. (love those words) 
    I like the simplicity of the simple subject that carries a profound thought.  This is good.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: I'm Learning Something This Morning

    Post  Karen on Mon Mar 28, 2016 8:44 pm

    The others have found the bits that worry me.  I'm finding the worrisome bits small and more easily remedied than some of the paper clip tangles we get into on the forum. 

    I too want a bit of clean up in the persona aisle.  I also want the title to grab me and chunk me right into the subject.  I like the simplicity of this language.  I like this poem.  It's almost there, Pat!

    Sponsored content

    Re: I'm Learning Something This Morning

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:22 am