The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Not convinced of this title

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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not convinced of this title

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 26, 2016 9:40 am

    Comedic Cleansing

    Jesus’ first poem sat scribed in dirt.  
    The one about adultery, infidelity,
       hypocrisy, bigotry, misogyny, hatred.  
    The one from the current Times best-
       seller list or Golden Globe script.  
    His rolled heavy ‘round the stomach
    ‘til the rains came to wash it away.

    --Todd Sukany 24 May 2016

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Not convinced of this title

    Post  Don C on Thu May 26, 2016 10:10 am

    Todd,
    I agree. The title is not the best, but I can't improve it right now. Will keep trying
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Not convinced of this title

    Post  Karen on Thu May 26, 2016 9:39 pm

    I second the need for a title makeover.

    I am drawn to the Biblical subject, but the poem left me wanting more.  I'm not sure if I wanted more from the poem or from my own ability to understand it.  I have a sense of what is being communicated, but I would be hard-pressed to explain my interpretation.

    The phrase that caught me:  rolled heavy 'round the stomach.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Title: I'd change it.

    Post  Pat on Sat May 28, 2016 7:27 am

    Maybe it could become the first three words of the poem?  That's what the poem is actually about, I think?  I like the last line.  I know the scripture, the story, but. . .   Not sure you need all of those general nouns.  Three would do:  adultery, hypocrisy, hatred?  Lines 4 and 5:  I guess this is where you bring it into our present day.  I get it.  Tabloids and news mags.  What does His refer to?  and its?  the script?  Really!  Hmmm.  Makes me think so hard.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Comedic Clensing

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun May 29, 2016 1:11 pm

    I agree the title should be washed away with the sins. 
    How about a stanza break that separates the last two lines from the others?
    I don't get that stomach line... how about some help there...
    The entire poem seems to fit as a cartoon on the editorial page of your local newspaper... satire?
    Dewell

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    Re: Not convinced of this title

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