Not convinced of this title

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Not convinced of this title

Post  tsukany on Thu May 26, 2016 9:40 am

Comedic Cleansing

Jesus’ first poem sat scribed in dirt.  
The one about adultery, infidelity,
   hypocrisy, bigotry, misogyny, hatred.  
The one from the current Times best-
   seller list or Golden Globe script.  
His rolled heavy ‘round the stomach
‘til the rains came to wash it away.

--Todd Sukany 24 May 2016
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Re: Not convinced of this title

Post  Don C on Thu May 26, 2016 10:10 am

Todd,
I agree. The title is not the best, but I can't improve it right now. Will keep trying

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Re: Not convinced of this title

Post  Karen on Thu May 26, 2016 9:39 pm

I second the need for a title makeover.

I am drawn to the Biblical subject, but the poem left me wanting more.  I'm not sure if I wanted more from the poem or from my own ability to understand it.  I have a sense of what is being communicated, but I would be hard-pressed to explain my interpretation.

The phrase that caught me:  rolled heavy 'round the stomach.

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Title: I'd change it.

Post  Pat on Sat May 28, 2016 7:27 am

Maybe it could become the first three words of the poem?  That's what the poem is actually about, I think?  I like the last line.  I know the scripture, the story, but. . .   Not sure you need all of those general nouns.  Three would do:  adultery, hypocrisy, hatred?  Lines 4 and 5:  I guess this is where you bring it into our present day.  I get it.  Tabloids and news mags.  What does His refer to?  and its?  the script?  Really!  Hmmm.  Makes me think so hard.

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Comedic Clensing

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun May 29, 2016 1:11 pm

I agree the title should be washed away with the sins. 
How about a stanza break that separates the last two lines from the others?
I don't get that stomach line... how about some help there...
The entire poem seems to fit as a cartoon on the editorial page of your local newspaper... satire?
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Re: Not convinced of this title

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