The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

    Post  Pat on Fri Feb 24, 2017 1:50 pm

    If the Pot Breaks
     
    there are still the shards,
    mud, edges, clay.
     
    Ask any potter. 
     
    No need to worry
    about an earthen vessel
     
    until
     
    the pot cannot be used to hold
    soup or flowers.
     
    Still, the potter may opt
     
    to throw it back on the wheel
    and keep treading,
     
    or
     
    set aside shards
    for healing instruments
     
    to scrape sores as in Job’s day,
     
    or to drive jagged edges
    into the soil
     
    to help earth seep rainwater.
     
    Fragments, never worthless
    unless
     
    there is a turning away
     
    from the relationship

    with the potter.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Last two lines of this poem

    Post  Pat on Fri Feb 24, 2017 1:52 pm

    are a couplet.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Confusion

    Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 25, 2017 11:09 am

    Pat,

    For me the confusion comes from line two:  mud and clay are not finished product.  Shards and edges come from a firing.

    I wonder how familiar the potter and the clay metaphor is.  It seems like that is going to need to be freshened to work.

    I like entering Job that is fresh.  It seems like this is a symbol poem.  The shards then represent people in the hands of God used to scrape others.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Major changes. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Feb 25, 2017 1:15 pm

    Maybe this makes more sense.  : )   No, I did not run it past a potter.  Nor did I research it on internet.   Would have been the smart thing to do.  

    Throwing it your direction again.

    If the Pot Breaks
     
    there are still the shards,
    the edges, the bits and pieces.
     
    No need to worry
     
    about an earthen vessel breaking
    until
     
    the pot cannot be used to hold
     
    soup or flowers.
    Ask any gardener.
     
    She may opt
     
    to set aside shards
    for healing instruments
     
    to scrape sores as in Job’s day
     
    or to drive jagged edges
    into the soil
     
    to help earth seep in rainwater.
     
    Fragments, never worthless.
    Perfect for drainage. 
     
    The pot serves us,
     
    perhaps hoping we will see
    how little acts of kindness
     
    mean much.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

    Post  Karen on Sat Feb 25, 2017 8:47 pm

    Oh yes, the second version please.  The gardener works much better for me than the potter.  Perhaps the more accessible gardener makes it easier to appreciate the two levels you are striving for.

    Could you do without "the bits", substituting "... the shards, the edges, the pieces."   "Bits and pieces" has a cliched feel for me. 

    I agree with Todd.   The reference to Job and scraping sores has real potential.  It's the zinger.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    WOW

    Post  tsukany on Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:41 am

    just, wow!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    If The Pot Breaks

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:34 pm

    Beautiful.  Well done... second version, that is.  That line, "perfect for drainage," seems to be out of place.  Can you move it up one line?  As is it jerks me back and forth.
    "LITTLE ACTS OF KINDNESS" would be a good sub-title.  Put this poem on the back of the church bulletin in April or May...     One word or phrase early on in this poem would help fore-shadow the ending... and I don't know what word that might be...
    Good offering, Pat.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thanks, guys.

    Post  Pat on Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:56 pm

    As I interacted with you, it helped me see more.  The process of brainstorming is so great.  Appreciate each of you.  Dewell, I'm still playing with the drainage line.  Changed the ending :  it now reads:  

    The pot serves,
     
    perhaps hoping we will see
    how sacrifices
     
    mean much.


    Thanks everyone!

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    Re: Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

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