Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

Post  Pat on Fri Feb 24, 2017 1:50 pm

If the Pot Breaks
 
there are still the shards,
mud, edges, clay.
 
Ask any potter. 
 
No need to worry
about an earthen vessel
 
until
 
the pot cannot be used to hold
soup or flowers.
 
Still, the potter may opt
 
to throw it back on the wheel
and keep treading,
 
or
 
set aside shards
for healing instruments
 
to scrape sores as in Job’s day,
 
or to drive jagged edges
into the soil
 
to help earth seep rainwater.
 
Fragments, never worthless
unless
 
there is a turning away
 
from the relationship

with the potter.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Last two lines of this poem

Post  Pat on Fri Feb 24, 2017 1:52 pm

are a couplet.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Confusion

Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 25, 2017 11:09 am

Pat,

For me the confusion comes from line two:  mud and clay are not finished product.  Shards and edges come from a firing.

I wonder how familiar the potter and the clay metaphor is.  It seems like that is going to need to be freshened to work.

I like entering Job that is fresh.  It seems like this is a symbol poem.  The shards then represent people in the hands of God used to scrape others.

Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Major changes. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Feb 25, 2017 1:15 pm

Maybe this makes more sense.  : )   No, I did not run it past a potter.  Nor did I research it on internet.   Would have been the smart thing to do.  

Throwing it your direction again.

If the Pot Breaks
 
there are still the shards,
the edges, the bits and pieces.
 
No need to worry
 
about an earthen vessel breaking
until
 
the pot cannot be used to hold
 
soup or flowers.
Ask any gardener.
 
She may opt
 
to set aside shards
for healing instruments
 
to scrape sores as in Job’s day
 
or to drive jagged edges
into the soil
 
to help earth seep in rainwater.
 
Fragments, never worthless.
Perfect for drainage. 
 
The pot serves us,
 
perhaps hoping we will see
how little acts of kindness
 
mean much.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

Post  Karen on Sat Feb 25, 2017 8:47 pm

Oh yes, the second version please.  The gardener works much better for me than the potter.  Perhaps the more accessible gardener makes it easier to appreciate the two levels you are striving for.

Could you do without "the bits", substituting "... the shards, the edges, the pieces."   "Bits and pieces" has a cliched feel for me. 

I agree with Todd.   The reference to Job and scraping sores has real potential.  It's the zinger.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 249
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

WOW

Post  tsukany on Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:41 am

just, wow!
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

If The Pot Breaks

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:34 pm

Beautiful.  Well done... second version, that is.  That line, "perfect for drainage," seems to be out of place.  Can you move it up one line?  As is it jerks me back and forth.
"LITTLE ACTS OF KINDNESS" would be a good sub-title.  Put this poem on the back of the church bulletin in April or May...     One word or phrase early on in this poem would help fore-shadow the ending... and I don't know what word that might be...
Good offering, Pat.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 316
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Thanks, guys.

Post  Pat on Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:56 pm

As I interacted with you, it helped me see more.  The process of brainstorming is so great.  Appreciate each of you.  Dewell, I'm still playing with the drainage line.  Changed the ending :  it now reads:  

The pot serves,
 
perhaps hoping we will see
how sacrifices
 
mean much.


Thanks everyone!

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Hoping you can help with ending. Trying for two levels.

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum