The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Is the Title Effective (Dennis/Ben)

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tsukany

Posts : 586
Join date : 2011-05-21

Is the Title Effective (Dennis/Ben)

Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 24, 2018 10:06 am

The light of you is missing
 
There is a special room
with an easy chair. A
padded lace pillow with
the imprint of a cat leans
against one arm. A table
with a granite top covered
by embroidered doily sits near.
On the shelf beneath its curled feet
an overstuffed magazine rack
gathers dust. No words are read. 
No voice is heard. The cat
only pauses at the doorway.

Karen

Posts : 283
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Is the Title Effective (Dennis/Ben)

Post  Karen on Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:11 am

Oh, I would change very little.

I would add an before embroidered doily.

The title doesn't entirely satisfy me.

What about Missing light as a title?
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tsukany

Posts : 586
Join date : 2011-05-21

Cluttered Room

Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:46 pm

Dennis/Ben

I think you can clean up the first line by cutting "There is"  An easy chair (verb that carries weight) in a special room.

This line is a double of the description "On the shelf beneath its curled feet" thus "its" becomes confusing.

The title leads me to a spouse missing the mate.  The poem doesn't echo that promise.

I like how cat appears as a connector.  I would like one with "light" from the title.

Thanks for sharing

Todd

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 351
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

The Light of You Is Missing

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 24, 2018 4:11 pm

Try "Cluttered Memories" as a title.
The word "only" down with the cat has to go.
The cat seems to connect once prized items with memories... good stuff.
Some very nice images, Benden.

Dewell

Pat

Posts : 620
Join date : 2011-09-12

Your Missing Light

Post  Pat on Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:30 pm

Missing You?
I think they've said it all.
Easy to follow.
I like it.
The room is full of this and that, but it's missing you. 
The cat, the dear cat.

Markus

Posts : 10
Join date : 2018-02-22

Good genre

Post  Markus on Thu Mar 01, 2018 11:44 am

TS
This is a good genre for you.  Sort of imagistic and sort of Li Po-ian.  The result of a different mindset about poetry, isn't it?  No longer a puzzle to decipher, but an experience/a moment offered--one very much directed by the title.

Markus
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tsukany

Posts : 586
Join date : 2011-05-21

Plagiarism

Post  tsukany on Thu Mar 01, 2018 12:32 pm

Markus

Sometimes Dennis has trouble logging in.  He joins us as Ben Johnson for those times.  Additionally, Ben/Dennis has trouble posting in the folder of the month.  Thus, I post his work for him.

All that to say, this fine craft is not Todd but Dennis/Ben.  I am still stuck in the cluttered, compressed world of my mind.

TS

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