The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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I need a title

Pat
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°1

I need a title Empty I need a title

Post  Pat Thu Aug 29, 2019 11:17 am

I am not happy with any title I've come up with:  A Moment With ....?But, Now--? Napping Teen?  Napping 17-Year-Old? Autism World Naps? I don't know.

I eased open the door and peeked in
as you napped. Your autism
fidgeted and furled 
as you sat on the pew in church.
Paper and pencil did not help.

But, now--
untroubled, umoving, unfurled.
I tiptoe closer.  Easy to mistaken
your swirl of hair for a wide brimmed hat.

The room is chilly
You breathe hard and heavy. 
Perhaps you dream
of a boy showing kindness.

I pull the quilt up and over you.
The air shifts in the room,
but you sleep on.
I let you go on sleeping.
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Pat
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Pat


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I need a title Empty a title

Post  Pat Thu Aug 29, 2019 11:48 am

Maybe: Moments Without Autism?
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tsukany
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21
  • Post n°3

I need a title Empty Diversion may be a distraction

Post  tsukany Thu Aug 29, 2019 1:54 pm

Pat

The diversion of the church reference takes me away from the topic.  Can you move it before all or at the end?

TS
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Pat
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°4

I need a title Empty Actually, I don't need the church comment

Post  Pat Mon Sep 02, 2019 5:36 pm

I can leave it out.

Good feedback.  Thank you!    

Renee, are you out there?  Holiday?  Send us a comment or a poem when you can.

Pat
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renee.barger
renee.barger
renee.barger


Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-09-17
  • Post n°5

I need a title Empty Re: I need a title

Post  renee.barger Tue Sep 03, 2019 1:01 pm

Hey, sorry I have been MIA. I love the title "Moments without Autism." My nephew was recently diagnosed with autism. The poem is very touching, and I think it could minister to many.

I agree with Sukany about the reference to the church, but I liked the image of struggling to not fidget in church. if you take it out of this poem, please consider making it another poem.

I don't have any other suggestions. It flowed well for me, and I felt like I was the mother or grandmother checking in on my boy with autism.
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Pat
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12
  • Post n°6

I need a title Empty Here's what I did with it, for now.

Post  Pat Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:13 pm

Thanks for sharing and for the feedback.  
Big diagnosis, but she is the most interesting person I know.  


Moments Without Autism

You fidgeted and furled
as you pulled threads on your shirt
this morning.

But, now—
I ease the door open and peek in
where you nap.

You look
untroubled, unmoving, unfurled.
I tiptoe closer. Easy to mistaken
your swirl of hair for a wide brimmed hat.

The room is chilly.
You breathe hard and heavy.
Perhaps dreaming
of a boy showing kindness.

I pull the quilt up and over you.
The air shifts in the room,
but you sleep on.
I let you go on sleeping.


Last edited by Pat on Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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renee.barger
renee.barger
renee.barger


Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-09-17
  • Post n°7

I need a title Empty Re: I need a title

Post  renee.barger Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:16 pm

I love it! I don't have any criticism.
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I need a title Empty Re: I need a title

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