Does the story make sense?

Renee

Nothing negative in this email, just observation.

This is a FINE story poem, the type that wins contests.  Well done.

My push (for my poems) is to write poems for a different audience than the contest judges.  

Who is your audience?  That answer becomes a filter for the revision (if necessary) process.

If you are writing for the sage-poets of Journals and anthologies, then wipe out the story that leads to the "punchline" and distill the essence of the poem.  (For me it is "the best seat in the house")  Set the irony and expectation and take the reader through a journey of emotion.

If you are writing to remember the situation, then your task is complete.  Wonderfully, complete.  

If you want, you can revise the ending section of the poem to reflect the musicality of the first half.  Such wonderful alliteration and music gets lost once you finally get to the energy part of the poem . . . entering the brother.

Does any of that make sense?

Todd

Wow, I wasn't expecting to hear it was contest winning worthy. 

My target audience is partially memory keeping but I also want to gift this poem to the bride, my friend. It was just a beautiful moment seeing her pause to kiss her brother that I wanted to record it.

But I do agree, the ending is missing alliteration. I will work on it. My brain is resisting my attempts currently.

EDIT: Inspiration struck.... (I even accidentally rhymed once.) The last 2 stanzas are the same. I kinda liked the simplicity, but I could probably try again to get more alliteration. Thoughts?



Honor and Cherish


Our gaggle of gals grabbed a back pew seat

on the side of the bride, our bosom friend. 

We chatted and giggled like school girls

as family filed past to the front,

the seats of honor.


The music played.

The mothers escorted.

The maids promenaded.

The multitude stood.


The bride with her father entered.

Her eyes already brimming with tears

spotted her expectant groom.


Everyone beaming back at her,

Everyone pausing with her

to recognize the worst seat in the house.


The sanctuary had seats to spare

but no space for a wheelchair

close to the ceremony in that old stone church.


Dressed up in his best, 

her brother with cerebral palsy

sat with an attendant 

along the back wall.

He sat behind even us 

in the very back pew.


The bride kissed her brother,

whispered something only for him,

and took again her father’s arm.


We ended up having the best seat in the house.


______

Renee V. Barger

October 21, 2019

Sweet narrative poem.
I went to the last version you reworked since I came to the party a little late.
Location is important here.  For you girls and for the brother.
S 2, first 3 lines:  not sure you need the "the's"
Not sure you need 5th Stanza. (if you delete it, best and worst are close to one another.  I like that.) 
6th stanza:  I'd drop "even" in next to last line.
Beautiful event. Beautiful story.

Thank you, Pat! I removed the the’s, and in stanza 6, I ended up just deleting the last two lines. It felt like dead weight when I was rereading it.

Thanks for the input about stanza 5. I know it’s silly, but I’m a little attached to it. So I’m pondering it to see if I can get creative with it somehow to get the best and worst seats close together like you mentioned.

I also forgot to say thanks to Sukany! Thanks always for the feedback you both give. I always look forward to this poetry forum every month. And I’m starting to read some poetry on my own too! I have a couple of books in my possession and two by a great aunt that I’m going to read. I also realized one book I have some poems from CS Lewis. He wasn’t considered a great poet, but I want to form my own opinion.

Thanks again!

Renee

I wanted to wait to see what Pat saw.  Sometimes I like to kill poems so the poet can see them fresh.  Please just see what you don't like and reject the rest   This version is just another way to see the lines together.



Honor and Cherish

That old stone church had seats to spare
but no space for a wheelchair.

Our gaggle of gals grabbed a back pew
on the side of the bride, our bosom friend. 
We chatted and giggled, like school girls
as the family filled their seats of honor.

The music played.
The mothers escorted.
The maids promenaded.
The multitude stood.

The bride and father entered.
Her eyes already brimming
spotted her expectant groom.

But we had best seat in the house.

Her brother with cerebral palsy
and dressed up in his best
sat along the back wall
behind even us.

Brenda stopped
kissed her brother
whispering something 
only for him.
______

Renee V. Barger

October 21, 2019

That reordering was beautiful, Mr. Sukany! It made me cry all over again. Thank you for helping me, both Todd and Pat. I was overthinking about rewriting instead of reordering. I loved those simplified lines in the last stanza and in stanza 4 line 2. Less is more sometimes! I think it's just perfect now. My heart feels full and happy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

(Oh, and I switched out the bride's name Lindsay.)

Well-done.  

Very well done.

Pat

Thank you, Pat. 

I just wanted to let you both know that I sent the poem to my friend, and she loved it and cried. Thank you for your help. I think this is the first poem I felt like it was "done done."