I sent a poem, but it's not here.

Me and my computer!  Here's the poem.  I welcome all help.


Losing Height
 
Upon leaving the doctor’s office,
I expected a comment on
his upcoming knee surgery.
Not one word.
 
Having sat beside my husband, I too had heard
the careful comments about the surgical cut,
the swelling, the suffering ahead, a recovery plan.
Together, we had scrutinized
a black plastic model as a knee replacement.
The men then joked
as if attending a dinner party.
 
Only later, after driving blocks and blocks,
did serious sounds fall from his mouth.
Can you believe I measured 5 feet, 8 ¼ inches
in my shoes? I’ve been 5’ 10 ¼ ”
my entire adult life. Unbelievable.
I just lost two inches in that doctor’s office.
 
I offered nothing rational,
nothing barbed about the hateful gravity
or those little cushions squeezed
between vertebrae, hard-pressed each day
like a musician's piano keys.
My husband said it once more—
5 feet 8 ¼ inches in my shoes!
I listened in silence until
he let out that long, long sigh.
 
I did all I knew to do—smile and vow aloud
to stay shorter than he, always.

Pat

Seems like you have the makings of a contest poem.  

What would you write differently if you were submitting this experience to a blog?

If your purpose is to distil this experience into a poem, what should the reader feel?  What did you as writer feel?

Does my inquiry make any sense?

Todd

As a blog, it would still be narrative with husband's comments, but I'd probably put all my reactions/thoughts/feelings in it. I wouldn't worry much about metaphors or similes.  Or would I?  I like images.  

My feelings.  I once taught people to name their feelings...because they struggled so. (Counseling.) If you can name them, you can understand them and let them go. Many prefer to remain numb.  In poetry, in order to show-don't tell, I avoid naming feelings as much as possible.  They sneak in sometimes anyway.  It's a natural part of me to name them for myself and for others. I am more free to name them in a blog.

Hopefully, the reader sees we went for one purpose, but husband was surprised by his own height. He got distracted and was in shock. I found it hilarious from the get-go...that says something about me.    I had to bide my time though... the laughing part. It was work!  He found it hilarious later, hours later. 

Thanks for helping me think this through.

Pat

Here are the two points I think the poem is trying to make:

1.  husband was surprised by his own height. 
2.  I found it hilarious from the get-go...that says something about me.  

In prose there is room for both since the reader is being giving information.  I hope the poem would cause the reader to _do_ EITHER #1 or #2.  

Which one serves the poem best?  Make that into the rough draft #324 

Todd

Hmmm.  Well then, it would be Jimmy's story, of course.

I can put that as another poem, shorter poem for a journal.

I'll relook at it. 

Pat