DESPARATE for feedback

What is the desperate part?  Do you have a deadline?
I'll get back to you this p.m.
Pat

It seems like the 14 year old self is the subject of an artist;  also seems like she/he is not really "with" it. 

You are using the you-language.  
Wondered if I, the reader, could have a comma after "Moments from now". I need to read this S 1 slowly to catch what you are saying.

For another hour or for the next hour? You know the meaning....
Images/actions are clear. I wondered about saying, "--of being a stowaway of love." ????

In S 4, I think I hear you must endure another hour.  Like you're passing time. Like the heart is not in it. 

S 5: You say. You say. Like a countdown. Like "hang on, hang on... obviously not through yet. Also, sounded like an echo as if it is druggy repetition. I paused at:  mix myself. I tried "I bleed into... I blend into...I inhale and mix with.." Hope you can follow all that. 

S6: daisies, eggs, fags (herbal cigarettes).  Senses.  Distractions? I can't imagine, and yet, i almost think of unpleasant, sulfuric smell.  Staring off....as if you are not wanting to see what's going on in front of you. 

There but not there.  Like going against oneself... but then, he/she is dealing with the 14yearold part.

Interesting, but I may be 10,000 miles off. 

Pat your comments are so helpful.  You are tracking! 

I have a revision . . . minor tweaking.  Thank you!!


As You Say

Moments from now, you will instruct 
my fourteen-year-old self to “prepare
for the canvas.”  One more time 

I will shuck, pose, and endure 
your “check for composition.”  
For another hour I will dip my shoulder, 

uncross my knees, brush back my hazel
curls, and dream of three-dimensional love.  
“In another hundred years,” you say.  

“Only one more hour,” you say. 
You say.  You say.  And until then, 
I swirl myself in foul scents--bent 

daisies, hard-boiled eggs, and unfiltered 
fags.  I stare off as you relieve yourself.

--Todd Sukany 19 Sept 2021