Title? I don't know.... last line: melt or melted??? melting?

Risk
 
The thin moon edged its way across the sky.
Unobserved, it moved past the unmoving man
intense on blending with a rocky ledge.
 
The serpentine river flowed below. An eagle,
silent and severe, glided over pines. A doe
hovered near her fawn with long legs.
 
The mother drank,
enticing the dappled baby to do likewise
before they melted into the shadowy woods.

Pat

Sorry I'm late to the party.  Son and family moved into their new home in SC.  We were able to help box and unbox...long drive.

I am not sure of the title.  I wonder if there is enough risk in the poem.  Most animals are not aware they are hunted are they?

To your question, "melted" focuses on "they," where "melting" seems to focus on the mother.

I am struck by "unmoving."  It seems like a repeat of the verb in the line and doesn't really add any imagery.  I also think "an" is stronger than "the" since we are not introduced to "the" hunter anywhere.  Does the hunter experience risk?

Well done

Todd

Some weeks/ weekends are harder.  It's often about family.  We have Haven for a week each month-- she notices if we break any pattern! (autism) But she has taught all of us about love and sacrifice.  No problem on being late to the party.  Just come when you can.

I think animals can be tricked by people... many plant turnip greens or put out corn to trick deer.  But, I may need a new title.  More to think on. Thanks for the feedback.

Maybe I'll put the man on the ledge without his neon orange jacket!  

I am adding a poem here.  I hope it resonates with you. I think I'm sending it to Nationals...



Poetry Group Critiques My Poem
 
Warm enough, we settle
and pass poems around the table
 
like they are meat and potatoes.
Then, we begin….
 
Good images. 
I like how you have the persona
 
aware of her surroundings,
but I’m not a fan of this format.
 
Not a fan of such an academic word in line 3.
What about this passive tense?
 
And what if we try “you” like Billy Collins does?
I lobby for still another change.
 
Wonder what would happen if you flipped
the last and first stanzas?
 
You know, you could just delete the last stanza—
we want the reader to do some of the work.
 
Just a matter of weeding, someone said.
No subject in this line but doesn’t bother me.
 
The poem actually might start
in the middle.  Hey, it might!
 
What if you put the entire poem
in first-person? That’d create more intimacy.
 
It’s possible you might need to expand it…
oh yeah… now that’s a phrase that pays!
 
Okay…what if we loop back to
something strong at the beginning?
 
The title.  Not sure it fits the poem anymore.
What do you think?
 
Thermostat kicks off.

Next poet?  Ready for input?

Too many lines! 

I don't have any additional thoughts on the deer and hunter poem. I think Sukany gave good tips. I hadn't felt much risk either, although I knew there was!

I also like the poem about passing poems like meat and potatoes. Makes me miss college poetry forums and makes me think of the Inklings too. Maybe this doesn't matter, but I wasn't sure if everything in italics was for the one poem or just the conversations or edits going around the table. I thought you captured it well!

Sorry I'm late too. I missed the email that the forum was ready. February is always over before I know it.

from a group critiquing.  I need to clarify that better.
Every sentence you write helps me.  
And I'm thinking on the risk factors.  I definitely need more risk.  
Keep helping us.

Here's one. Does this help?    

Poetry Group Critiques My Poem
 
Warm enough, we settle and pass poems
around the table like they are meat and potatoes.
 
Good images, one poet says. 
I like how you have the persona
aware of her surroundings,
but I’m not a fan of this format.
 
I listen hard, my mind tries to follow.
And I’m not fond of the academic word
in line 3, another says. Wonder if we try “you”
here like Billy Collins does?
 
A woman laughs and says, Oh yes! and I lobby for
flipping the last and first stanzas.
I grow numb. You know, you might delete
the last stanza—the reader doesn’t really need it.
 
Yes, just a matter of weeding, another says.
I pull the M&Ms closer to me. The poet
sitting across from me looks at the poem
and says, The poem might start in the middle. 
 
The poet at the end of the table nodded,
Hey, it might! And what if you put the entire poem
in third person and just become an observer?
Then you’d shorten it, I think.
 
The poet on my right reads aloud, Words
as strong as snowflakes…Now that’s a phrase
that pays! Okay, let’s loop back to the title.
Not sure it fits the poem anymore.
 
It’s your poem, of course. Thermostat kicks off.
Next poet?  Ready for input?

Risk
 
The crescent moon smiled its way across the sky.
Unobserved, it moved past the motionless hunter
who forgot his orange vest.
 
The serpentine river flowed below. The silent shape
of a hungry eagle glided over pines.
A doe stood exposed, heart rapidly beating,
 
as she waited for her baby with long legs.
Innocent, the fawn stood in the winding road
of her whole world, a carnival.

Pat

I love the imagery (just stark description) of stanzas one and two.  S3 seems like it breaks the pattern to make a point.  Can it be more like the rest of the poem and just point the reader to a conclusion (summarized by the title)?

Todd

more stark description... I am working on S 3.... helpful.  Thank you!

I really like what you did with "Poetry Group Critiques My Poem".  I like how you start with "warm enough" and end with the thermostat kicking off. It gives me a time frame of how long these people have been critiquing your poem, and I can get how overwhelming and unhelpful that can be when they just rip your masterpiece apart. (and then I don't know whether to scrap the whole thing or leave it or make some changes. haha.) 

I liked "Risk" too. I wasn't sure what poem Todd was referencing, but I assume it was Risk. I was thrown for a loop when I read "carnival." I wasn't sure what to do with the word. I hope that makes sense and is helpful. The rest of it flowed so well. It was beautiful. Well done.

I think on all your comments.  
Here is what I did with Risk after Todd's and your comments. Of course, I'm never 'done" with it.  
Tried to add more Risk and make S 3 more parallel to s1 and s2.

 
Risk
 
The crescent moon smiled its way across the sky.
Unobserved, it moved past the motionless hunter
who forgot his orange vest.
 
The serpentine river flowed below. A silent shape
of a hungry eagle floated over pines.
A fawn stood exposed, heart rapidly beating.
 
A breeze picked up.  No Hunting sign
sounded like a rattler. An old doe watched
and waited at the edge of the wood.

Oooo I like that! I loved the No Hunting sign rattling like a snake. So good. That adds some more risk to the hunter too who shouldn't be hunting!