The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.

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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.

Post  Pat Thu May 26, 2022 11:33 am

I need feedback on this, esp. the last stanza.  Thanks.

Graduation Night
 
First,
caps and gowns sit together
as two big blocks,
almost straight lines.
Rewards announced for hard work.
Exciting.
 
Second,
individuals stand with good friends,
bonded by sports, plays, proms,
sitting side by side in history.
Golden.
 
Third,
it’s an hour to grope but not yet grasp
the future.
Probably a big stretch to imagine
the odds of seeing one another again.
Confounding.
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty Just as an exercise

Post  tsukany Fri May 27, 2022 8:19 am

Pat

(I have used that title for this post before . . . saved some typing)

I think your poem wants to add something fresh to "graduation."  Can you strip the poem of all information already contained and framed by its title?

Todd
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty Not sure about this, but here's what I did....

Post  Pat Fri May 27, 2022 5:35 pm

Harrison High School Graduation
 
First,
caps and gowns sit together
in two massive blocks.
Awards announced.
Impressive.
 
Second,
individuals stand with friends,
bonded by sports, plays, proms,
surviving history.
Golden.
 
Third,
it’s an hour for graduates to grope
though not yet grasping what lies ahead.
While speakers say doors are opening,
past doors close.
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty Just thinking again

Post  tsukany Sun May 29, 2022 9:47 am

Pat

I miss the "grope...grasp" of ver 1.  I think your first two stanzas set up a one-word summary.  I miss that in Stanza 3

Todd
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty yep, yep, I hear you

Post  Pat Sun May 29, 2022 2:02 pm

I'll do something about that.  Smile
renee.barger
renee.barger


Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-09-17

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty I'm late again. So sorry

Post  renee.barger Wed Jun 01, 2022 10:48 pm

Sorry I'm late again. 

I agree that I liked the "grope and grasp" so close together.
I feel like stanzas 1 and 2 are just telling me that it's a small town, but I feel like the title does that for you. Maybe that's what Todd was saying too. I may just not be tracking so well right now. 

I think your main point (I hope I'm right) is that the seniors may not realize how much is changing. They will likely not see many/most/all of their classmates again. I feel like that was true for me as I went to a small school. (What did surprise me was how many classmates didn't grow up or just went off the deep end. I have reconnected with a couple, but I'm not as close to high school classmates, but my college friendships have mostly "stuck.")
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty You ARE tracking.

Post  Pat Thu Jun 02, 2022 8:13 am

This is helpful.  I have had a few days to distance myself from it.  Thank you!  
Pat

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Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.   Empty Re: Trying to keep myself OUT of the poem...but the mental is what fascinates me.

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