Aging...need feedback on your understanding...

Aging
 
You
have been moving along
a dirt road
toward her silver hair
a long time—
so slowly.
She is aware of you
but pushes on
and watches the trees,
silent and dusty
but still green.
The sky darkens.
A shadowy truck,
motor running,
sits on a side road.
She sees his one headlight,
making him cockeyed.
Bravely, she totters by,
laughing at the deer
bouncing with jaunty joy.
The county road
begins to narrow,
as a swollen moon
rises,
helping her see
the gate
and a stunning
butterfly
bush.

Hi Pat,

I need a bit of help.  Is the "you" at the beginning of the poem the same person as the "him" at the end?

I think I need that to help unravel the poem's package.

Thanks

Todd

Maybe I need a better title....

Pat

Maybe stanza breaks?  The poem shifts from YOU to SHE. 

Is this an omniscient narrator?

Todd

Let me send another edit of it tomorrow.  

Thanks for telling me your thoughts... helpful.

I'm hoping it looks like a road, a little bit.  That's why I don't have stanzas. Your feedback on pronouns helped me clarify for myself.  No wonder it was such a puzzle for you.




Timing
 
You
have been moving along
a dirt road
toward her silver hair
a long time—
so slowly.
You wait on a side road
in the shadowy truck
with the motor running.
She is aware of you
but pushes on—
watching the trees,
silent and dusty
but still green.
The sky darkens.
She mulls over
your one headlight,
making you appear
cockeyed.
Bravely, she totters by,
laughing at the deer
bouncing with jaunty joy.
It is not yet your time.
The county road
begins to narrow
as a swollen moon
rises,
helping her see
the gate
and a stunning
butterfly
bush. 

Pat

If this poem were published in an anthology by title and first line, it would read "Timing" You.  I think you need a strong first line.

I think there is a promise in the first sentence that seems to be ignored in the poem:

You have been moving along a dirt road (do you think this sentence is interesting?)
toward her silver hair a long time—
so slowly.

I read this as a symbol of "a man loves his wife who has gone gray before he."  There is an intimate patience in that sentence that begs to be explored.

As written, the poem says that two cars pass each other in the dark and the moonlight helps her see a bush.  Was that your intent?

Todd

Not Yet Her Time

You, Death,
have been stalking 
the woman
with silver hair--
so slowly 
and for a long time.
You wait on a side road
in the shadowy truck
with the motor running.
Aware of you,
she takes careful steps.
Pushing on, she watches
the trees, 
silent and dusty
but still green.
The sky darkens.
Your one headlight
makes you appear
cockeyed to her.
Bravely, she totters by,
laughing at the deer
bouncing with jaunty joy.
It is not yet her time.
The road
begins to narrow
as a swollen moon
rises,
helping her see
the gate
and a stunning
butterfly
bush.

Pat,

What a difference a title makes!  Clarity.

I am still stuck at the omniscient N in the following lines:

    Bravely, she totters by,
    laughing at the deer
    bouncing with jaunty joy.  <-- (for sure)

I am not sure what is gained by attempting line breaks based on looking like a "road."  I would prefer strong lines to a shape poem.

Todd

I like shape poems.  Not sure if a reader would get the shape or not though.  Maybe that was just for the poet? 

I'll look at each line to see if I want omniscient narration or not.  Church kids tonight.  Back on this tomorrow.  I spent the day with Diane.    We talked about MO Convention.

Did I catch all of the omniscient narrator thoughts?  Trying to DELETE those.

Not Yet Her Time
 
You, Death,
have been stalking
the woman
with silver hair—
so slowly
and for a long time.
You wait on the side road
in a shadowy truck
with the motor running.
She pauses her walk,
stares your way...
totters on.
The trees,
silent and dusty,
but still green.
The sky darkens.
Your one headlight
makes you look cockeyed.
The woman laughs
when three bucks bounce
with jaunty joy.
The road narrows
as a swollen moon
rises,
helping her see
the gate
and a stunning
butterfly
bush.

Pat

How does the N know the workings of the deer?  What about:

The woman laughs
with jaunty joy
when three bucks bounce.

Todd

Thank you! I need that red flag.  Keep it handy.

Pat