The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    My title is too long. . . . what else? Is something missing at the closure?

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    My title is too long. . . . what else? Is something missing at the closure?

    Post  Pat on Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:57 pm

    Feel free to help me any way you see fit. I get a great present from you guys at the end of every month. A free critique! Thank you!

    On the Sanctuary Stage

    During the Christmas Season



    Sitting in church chairs

    under bright overhead lights,

    three men pick and strum

    curved guitars.

    Another draws a bow

    over submissive strings.

    A fifth holds his harmonica

    to lips, closes eyes and blows

    angelic sounds. The woman

    —off to the side playing the piano—

    reads no music, but her fingers

    do not hesitate to dance

    a confident jig.



    All this harmony,

    straight from the hearts of players,

    lures a flock of sheep along.

    Musicians, like shepherds, lead;

    worshippers follow,

    inhaling and bursting forth

    in song of praise,

    lifting words of old

    to a newborn king.



    Pat Durmon, 2012

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat... Title Too Long?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 28, 2012 5:03 pm

    Not too long... but it doesn't quite fit this piece... (delete DO NOT HESITATE... fingers dancing don't hesitate so why repeat it?)... I'm mulling for a better title but so far can't find one... also the distance between the piano and the strings may be immaterial... I like the idea of eyes closed and the absence of sheet music... Pat, the first line about sheep is kinda jarring because nothing forewarned me of their existance... can you segeway this someway?...What is the light like in this room? Nice, folksy poem. Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    Here is a thought for title

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Dec 28, 2012 8:08 pm

    Pat,  Title--From on High

    I would begin the poem with  "three men picked...

    since you told us they were sitting on stage

    I would remove "do not hesitate to" and change the word confident to something "lively" to go with gig. (firey maybe)

    Omit "straight from the hearts of the players"  it gets in the way.

      I didn't see the "sheep" thing coming. Nice touch.

      With that, I can see a progressive flowing picture.  Good poem-- Christmas picture.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    My three cents

    Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 28, 2012 9:45 pm

    Pat...I get stuck on "lure" each time. The connotation of "lure" is negative. "Lull" would be negative as well. I also am looking for a poem to take me somewhere. I get the picture of musicians playing music to Jesus once again. I want a poem to press "outside the frame" of my experience so the reader can have his or her own experience from/with my words.

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    Re: My title is too long. . . . what else? Is something missing at the closure?

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