My title is too long. . . . what else? Is something missing at the closure?

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My title is too long. . . . what else? Is something missing at the closure?

Post  Pat on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 14:57

Feel free to help me any way you see fit. I get a great present from you guys at the end of every month. A free critique! Thank you!

On the Sanctuary Stage

During the Christmas Season

Sitting in church chairs

under bright overhead lights,

three men pick and strum

curved guitars.

Another draws a bow

over submissive strings.

A fifth holds his harmonica

to lips, closes eyes and blows

angelic sounds. The woman

—off to the side playing the piano—

reads no music, but her fingers

do not hesitate to dance

a confident jig.

All this harmony,

straight from the hearts of players,

lures a flock of sheep along.

Musicians, like shepherds, lead;

worshippers follow,

inhaling and bursting forth

in song of praise,

lifting words of old

to a newborn king.

Pat Durmon, 2012


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Pat... Title Too Long?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 19:03

Not too long... but it doesn't quite fit this piece... (delete DO NOT HESITATE... fingers dancing don't hesitate so why repeat it?)... I'm mulling for a better title but so far can't find one... also the distance between the piano and the strings may be immaterial... I like the idea of eyes closed and the absence of sheet music... Pat, the first line about sheep is kinda jarring because nothing forewarned me of their existance... can you segeway this someway?...What is the light like in this room? Nice, folksy poem. Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

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Here is a thought for title

Post  dennis20 on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 22:08

Pat,  Title--From on High

I would begin the poem with  "three men picked...

since you told us they were sitting on stage

I would remove "do not hesitate to" and change the word confident to something "lively" to go with gig. (firey maybe)

Omit "straight from the hearts of the players"  it gets in the way.

  I didn't see the "sheep" thing coming. Nice touch.

  With that, I can see a progressive flowing picture.  Good poem-- Christmas picture.


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My three cents

Post  tsukany on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 23:45

Pat...I get stuck on "lure" each time. The connotation of "lure" is negative. "Lull" would be negative as well. I also am looking for a poem to take me somewhere. I get the picture of musicians playing music to Jesus once again. I want a poem to press "outside the frame" of my experience so the reader can have his or her own experience from/with my words.

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Re: My title is too long. . . . what else? Is something missing at the closure?

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