The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Finally, I have a poem for you guys. . . .

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    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Finally, I have a poem for you guys. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Mar 02, 2013 9:55 am

    Two Years After Committing Suicide



    your rooted family

    planted a birch

    in loving memory of you

    down the lane by my mailbox.

    I see the tree every day,

    but other brothers and sisters

    may let it dim down

    until they come to visit

    and are greeted by

    a red kerchief

    blazing like a red sun

    hanging on a barren branch.

    None flinch, but none outrun

    the memory

    of the long night of weeping,

    of our trying hard to understand,

    of you filling yourself

    with bullets—

    first, from a medicine bottle

    then, from an innocent gun.

    You meant no harm to us,

    but now I fear

    a child’s child

    may one day startle us

    yet again

    with dying leaves,

    shriveling everything.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Sensitive Subject

    Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 03, 2013 8:13 pm

    Pat...I would like to see this after two things:

    1. I would return the lines to paragraph form and read until the line felt full

    2. I would then read each of those lines for "poetic" content.

    One of the visiting poets believed that every line should be its own world.

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    It is a sensitive topic, I agree.

    Post  Pat on Mon Mar 04, 2013 2:39 pm

    Here is another attempt after following your advice. And a question came to me: do we need to hold the long skinny poems for happy and playful events? I thought I heard what you were saying about each line being full and having its own world until I did this. No, I did not quite get it until I actually did it. This may change every poem I write. Thank you!!! Pat

    Two Years After You

    Committed Suicide



    Your rooted family

    came together and planted a river birch

    down the lane by my mailbox shaped

    like a monument. When the wind blows,

    branches tremble. As time ticks on,

    dimness must have set in

    for brothers and sisters. But then,

    when they reappear, they are greeted

    by a red kerchief blazing like a red sun

    hanging on a barren branch.



    None flinch, but none outrun the years

    with you: we unreel those hippie days,

    your hearty laugh, how you’d drink sunlight,

    and we remember the way you could ripple

    a conversation. And yet, we also recall

    the long night of weeping

    after you’d filled yourself with bullets—

    first, from a medicine bottle and then,

    from an innocent gun. None of us

    are strangers to storms, but now

    some carry fear that a child’s child

    may one day startle us yet again

    by leaving as you did,

    shriveling everything.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    As usual... <grin>

    Post  tsukany on Mon Mar 04, 2013 3:24 pm

    Pat, I like things from both poems. Smile I like the tree image from the first version. This version seems to stray from it a bit. I am still stuck at "rooted family." What is the significance of the adjective? I got stuck by two reds in the same line as well.

    I think skinny poems are better at communicating a single subject. This topic feels better in a fuller expression.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's poem about suicide

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:08 pm

    Pat... I like the second title better... rooted really threw me as did brothers and sisters... how about delete routed and use siblings...innicent gun?... now, now, is there a guilty gun somewhere?...let what dim down?...I lose sight of the "tree" in the poem's middle... can you sharpen that image? For this subject I prefer an economy of words and images stacked, gently tied... The ending is much more powerful in the do-over... I like that.

    A very difficult subject and this poem handles it with respect... cudos to the author. Dewell

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