The Last Friday

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    Any thoughts to make this better

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    Dennis 20
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    Any thoughts to make this better

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Sep 20, 2015 8:41 pm

    This may need a little something, but if so I need help finding it.

    A Dead Robin on My Morning Walk

    I walk the two-mile path
    to the turn-around and start
    back.  Under the trees
     
    robins galore.  Some were
    looking for worms
    I suppose and some looking
     
    at me as I sweat on this
    hotter than normal August
    morning.  The desert conditions
     
    make leaves crinkle under foot
    and there, in the path,
    a lifeless robin.  Others,
     
    still singing as I stop
    to lift the orange ball.
    The obvious is illusive.
     
    The reflection in the eyes
    is haunting, a pool of me.
    With gentle force I pry open
     
    the mouth and look inside
    to where it made the song
    and had a solemn thought
     
    about the innocence of life
    and why and how
    and lost my voice, too.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ROBIN IN THE PATH...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:35 pm

    ROBIN IN THE PATH... flocks of them... this time of year.  Love the images, all of them.
    Stanza 2, line 1 change were to are... present tense is so much more interesting.  Desert led me astray... how about drought or something that doesn't leave stickers in my feet.  Dennis, the last two stanzas could possibly use more punctuation to clarify and to add punch.  Solid, emotional ending!  I felt it, still do.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 306
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Any thoughts to make this better

    Post  Karen on Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:22 pm

    Yep, present tense and a change from "desert".  It didn't jive with leaves under my feet.  The specific image of looking into the mouth of the dead robin to see the source of the song.  Good stuff.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Sorry I'm late in the fray

    Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 26, 2015 5:35 pm

    I'm posting thoughts next to lines

    A Dead Robin on My Morning Walk

    I walk the two-mile path
    to the turn-around and start (do we need to know you are returning?)
    back.  Under the trees
     
    robins galore.  Some were
    looking for worms
    I suppose and some looking (I would cut "I suppose" since it is a POV thing)
     
    at me as I sweat on this 
    hotter than normal August
    morning.  The desert conditions  (I was not bothered by the "desert".  Sorry)
     
    make leaves crinkle under foot
    and there, in the path,
    a lifeless robin.  Others,
     
    still singing as I stop (Maybe "sing" )
    to lift the orange ball.
    The obvious is illusive.  (Not sure you need this line)
     
    The reflection in the eyes
    is haunting, a pool of me.
    With gentle force I pry open (I'm not sure what this says of the persona to open the mouth of a dead bird.  It strikes me every time I read it)
     
    the mouth and look inside
    to where it made the song
    and had a solemn thought (Does the persona know the thoughts of the birds?)
     
    about the innocence of life
    and why and how 
    and lost my voice, too.  (I really like this poem and how it ends.  Seems like there are details that don't point us to this conclusion.  Well done!)

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A Dead Robin....

    Post  Pat on Sat Sep 26, 2015 9:13 pm

    You are reporting what you see.  Some good lines.  Are the desert conditions exaggerations?  I think droughted.  Is the obvious illusive or troubling? (You may have quit reporting here with this line.)   S 6, line 2:  so it's a reflection of you????  I don't know anyone who has ever checked out the mouth of a bird.  Hard to identify with this, but I like his voice being still and yours being lost.  Great ending. Did the bird die as a result of the heat? 
    It's simple:  Big picture--- death comes to all, even the innocent.  I especially like the last stanza.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    I've made some changes

    Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:06 am

    I have made some changes.  Does the tweek bring out the picture better?

    A Dead Robin on My Morning Walk

    I walk the two-mile path
    to the turn-around and
    under the autumn canopy,
     
    robins galore.  Some are
    looking for hidden worms
    and some looking
     
    at me as I sweat on this
    hotter-than-normal August
    morning.  Drought conditions
     
    make leaves crinkle under foot
    and there, in the path,
    a lifeless robin.  Others,
     
    still sing as I stop
    to lift the orange ball.
    The obvious is illusive.
     
    The reflection in the eyes
    is haunting, a pool of me.
    With gentle force I pry open
     
    the mouth and look inside
    to where it made the song;
    and I had a solemn thought
     
    about the innocence of life,
    and why and how.
    I lost my voice, too.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Much cleaner

    Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:21 am

    I like this much better.  I think you need to work on the last stanza still.  You were trusting of the reader until "and I had a solemn thought/about the innocence of life,/and why and how."

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Better, better, better.

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:25 pm

    Tweaking your tweaks:  2nd stanza, line 3:   I'd put a comma after some because you are inferring that are is missing.  I would put a lifeless robin on a line by itself.  Drop others to the next line.  I don't think you have reason for the comma after Others.  Last stanza:  first two lines:  why not just tell us what the thought is.   On the last line, it would be more powerful, methinks, if you ended with the word voice than too.   Maybe you could say, Then I lost my voice.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    The Dead Robin

    Post  Don C on Tue Sep 29, 2015 8:45 am

    at me as I sweat on this 
    hotter-than-normal August
    morning.  As dry leaves
     
    crinkle under foot, I see it
    there-- in the path--
    a lifeless robin.  Others,
    -.-
    You've told us it is hotter-than normal. Dry leaves are dead and dry in or out of the desert.
    Will get back later
    Don

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    Re: Any thoughts to make this better

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