Any thoughts to make this better

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Any thoughts to make this better

Post  Dennis 20 on Sun Sep 20, 2015 8:41 pm

This may need a little something, but if so I need help finding it.

A Dead Robin on My Morning Walk

I walk the two-mile path
to the turn-around and start
back.  Under the trees
 
robins galore.  Some were
looking for worms
I suppose and some looking
 
at me as I sweat on this
hotter than normal August
morning.  The desert conditions
 
make leaves crinkle under foot
and there, in the path,
a lifeless robin.  Others,
 
still singing as I stop
to lift the orange ball.
The obvious is illusive.
 
The reflection in the eyes
is haunting, a pool of me.
With gentle force I pry open
 
the mouth and look inside
to where it made the song
and had a solemn thought
 
about the innocence of life
and why and how
and lost my voice, too.

Dennis 20
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ROBIN IN THE PATH...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:35 pm

ROBIN IN THE PATH... flocks of them... this time of year.  Love the images, all of them.
Stanza 2, line 1 change were to are... present tense is so much more interesting.  Desert led me astray... how about drought or something that doesn't leave stickers in my feet.  Dennis, the last two stanzas could possibly use more punctuation to clarify and to add punch.  Solid, emotional ending!  I felt it, still do.  Dewell

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Re: Any thoughts to make this better

Post  Karen on Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:22 pm

Yep, present tense and a change from "desert".  It didn't jive with leaves under my feet.  The specific image of looking into the mouth of the dead robin to see the source of the song.  Good stuff.
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Sorry I'm late in the fray

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 26, 2015 5:35 pm

I'm posting thoughts next to lines

A Dead Robin on My Morning Walk

I walk the two-mile path
to the turn-around and start (do we need to know you are returning?)
back.  Under the trees
 
robins galore.  Some were
looking for worms
I suppose and some looking (I would cut "I suppose" since it is a POV thing)
 
at me as I sweat on this 
hotter than normal August
morning.  The desert conditions  (I was not bothered by the "desert".  Sorry)
 
make leaves crinkle under foot
and there, in the path,
a lifeless robin.  Others,
 
still singing as I stop (Maybe "sing" )
to lift the orange ball.
The obvious is illusive.  (Not sure you need this line)
 
The reflection in the eyes
is haunting, a pool of me.
With gentle force I pry open (I'm not sure what this says of the persona to open the mouth of a dead bird.  It strikes me every time I read it)
 
the mouth and look inside
to where it made the song
and had a solemn thought (Does the persona know the thoughts of the birds?)
 
about the innocence of life
and why and how 
and lost my voice, too.  (I really like this poem and how it ends.  Seems like there are details that don't point us to this conclusion.  Well done!)
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A Dead Robin....

Post  Pat on Sat Sep 26, 2015 9:13 pm

You are reporting what you see.  Some good lines.  Are the desert conditions exaggerations?  I think droughted.  Is the obvious illusive or troubling? (You may have quit reporting here with this line.)   S 6, line 2:  so it's a reflection of you????  I don't know anyone who has ever checked out the mouth of a bird.  Hard to identify with this, but I like his voice being still and yours being lost.  Great ending. Did the bird die as a result of the heat? 
It's simple:  Big picture--- death comes to all, even the innocent.  I especially like the last stanza.

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I've made some changes

Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:06 am

I have made some changes.  Does the tweek bring out the picture better?

A Dead Robin on My Morning Walk

I walk the two-mile path
to the turn-around and
under the autumn canopy,
 
robins galore.  Some are
looking for hidden worms
and some looking
 
at me as I sweat on this
hotter-than-normal August
morning.  Drought conditions
 
make leaves crinkle under foot
and there, in the path,
a lifeless robin.  Others,
 
still sing as I stop
to lift the orange ball.
The obvious is illusive.
 
The reflection in the eyes
is haunting, a pool of me.
With gentle force I pry open
 
the mouth and look inside
to where it made the song;
and I had a solemn thought
 
about the innocence of life,
and why and how.
I lost my voice, too.

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Much cleaner

Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:21 am

I like this much better.  I think you need to work on the last stanza still.  You were trusting of the reader until "and I had a solemn thought/about the innocence of life,/and why and how."
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Better, better, better.

Post  Pat on Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:25 pm

Tweaking your tweaks:  2nd stanza, line 3:   I'd put a comma after some because you are inferring that are is missing.  I would put a lifeless robin on a line by itself.  Drop others to the next line.  I don't think you have reason for the comma after Others.  Last stanza:  first two lines:  why not just tell us what the thought is.   On the last line, it would be more powerful, methinks, if you ended with the word voice than too.   Maybe you could say, Then I lost my voice.

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The Dead Robin

Post  Don C on Tue Sep 29, 2015 8:45 am

at me as I sweat on this 
hotter-than-normal August
morning.  As dry leaves
 
crinkle under foot, I see it
there-- in the path--
a lifeless robin.  Others,
-.-
You've told us it is hotter-than normal. Dry leaves are dead and dry in or out of the desert.
Will get back later
Don

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