The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Dewells' Poem. He's asking about the last two lines.

    Share

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 23
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dewells' Poem. He's asking about the last two lines.

    Post  Admin on Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:07 am

    NIGHT HERON





    Old moon rubs cue dust


    on the church steeple,


    lays a shimmering beam


    across the flight of a night heron:


    silent hunter.




    Patient fishing bird poised


    in mid-stride


    stares unblinking


    into a minnow's eye,


    waits, ignores




    the sound of trucks in caravan


    that rip the night


    like glaciers calving,


    across the belly


    of the bay.




    Blue moon on black beak,


    ivory streaks of wear.


    Fish frozen in terror.


    Late snack


    by moonlight.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:33 pm

    I want to keep processing your poem, but the first image is so fresh that I wonder if it _is_ the poem. The church steeple and the moon as a cue ball. THAT is not something I've ever seen or thought. WOW is too simple a description for what that did/does to me. Thanks.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'll reread this off and on and think more on it,

    Post  Pat on Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:19 am

    but Dewell, I wonder if each stanza could not be a poem? or perhaps turned into poems? poems of imagery. The first stanza is the strongest one. (my nickel opinion.) The other three stanzas may even weaken the poem if you leave them in. The most memorable lines are in stanza one. I would try to make three or four poems out of this. Your title may have to change if you consider this: ask yourself: What is the poem about? Good job. Pat

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I don't think we responded about your last two lines. . . .

    Post  Pat on Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:53 am

    but I think we responded to the whole poem. If we took it stanza by stanza (as different poems), I'd say "Keep them. Good lines."

    I'm sorry. I just couldn't read it as a whole piece. It seems like different poems. Pat

    dennis20
    Guest

    Re: Dewells' Poem. He's asking about the last two lines.

    Post  dennis20 on Thu Mar 01, 2012 12:14 pm

     

     

     

    I first thought the poem was about the moon. You do have strong imagery of the moon here.  Since it is about the bird ( from the title ) you could have omited the "fishing bird" in the second para, since that has been established earlier.  The "fish frozen" changes my preconceived idea that this was a summer or spring scene. The fish and the heron have eyed each other in the above para. You actually have three elements in the last para.  The moon, bird ( implied ), and fish.  I like the last two line, but they actually make the fish the focus in this thought.  I do like the imagery.  Good poem.  Dennis

    Sponsored content

    Re: Dewells' Poem. He's asking about the last two lines.

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:18 am