The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Closure Poem

Post  Pat on Wed Nov 22, 2017 3:31 pm

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!  


To Those Called to Caregiving 
 
The spirits of the ill
are remote but rarely still.
They fly like a scatter of birds
and give three-note whistles.
If you stand unmoving like a tree,
you may even see a shade of fear
or hear a little gasp.
 
If you wish, go ahead—
comb a cloud of white hair,
feel the soft lattice of veins,
rub the back of the one
lying in a fetal position.
She may be living
in a world of memory.
 
The woman in bed
is probably closer to heaven
than we.
 
Just go with the flow.
Don’t be surprised if,
as the sun dims,
the soul sings louder and louder.
 
No hard and fast rules here.
 
As you wait for the tolling bell,
trust the spirit
to lift up and away from the clay
when it’s the right day, right time.
 

Relax, it’s all okay.
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Capt'n Cutt Returns

Post  tsukany on Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:20 am

Pat

I think the first stanza is the strongest.  I wonder if you can allow it to be the entire poem?

I wonder if you need anything after the second stanza.  For me, the poem drifts into preachment, slowly, but steadily all the way through.

The images of stanza two are top-notch btw.

Nice tone.

Todd
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Karen

Posts : 306
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Closure Poem

Post  Karen on Sat Nov 25, 2017 9:56 am

After Todd's suggestion, I returned to read the first stanza only.  The readership of the poem opened up in a very unexpected way.  Would you consider To Those Called for a title?

I suspect the remainder of the poem is necessary for you, but it may not be necessary for the reader.  

My poems often have many versions.  I keep the "other" versions for images I love and interior places I resided that I want to preserve.  I try to be ruthless in honing to the final poem.  Of course it's painful.  We're poets.  Poems have emotional weight.

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Closure Poem

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 25, 2017 5:39 pm

Definitely I will cut this poem.  Not a problem.  Anything to make a better poem.  I do not want to keep anything that is preachy or moralizing either.   Karen, would caregiver be anywhere in the poem if I cut after S 1 and if I changed the title?  I want people to "think" caregiver.  Caregivers are overlooked because the patient looks so bad.  I want to honor the caregiver. So how do I do that here?  Any thoughts?  

I've been at the hospital today with Diane Stefan.  What a caregiver.  Her husband Joe fell yesterday and broke the ball off in/of his hip.  Surgery on Monday.  Diane has been sick for 6 weeks herself.  Amazing how caregivers keep going.
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Title

Post  tsukany on Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:11 pm

Pat 

The poem seems to be more descriptive of the ill than a description of caregiver.

What if you made another poem?  Show us the caregiver in action rather than speaking to the mind.

Good stuff

Todd
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Karen

Posts : 306
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Closure Poem

Post  Karen on Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:18 pm

Trying something ... 

Poem 1

Caregiver:

Comb a cloud of white hair.
Feel the soft lattice of veins. 
Rub the back of the one
lying in a fetal position. 

Go with the flow. 
Don’t be surprised – 
wait for the tolling bell.
Trust the spirit. 

Relax, it’s all okay.

Poem 2

To Those Called 
 
The spirits of the ill
are remote but rarely still.
They fly like a scatter of birds
and give three-note whistles.
If you stand unmoving like a tree,
you may even see a shade of fear
or hear a little gasp.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 367
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

CLOSURE POEM

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:42 pm

I like the first revision very much.  It focuses on the caregiver AND the ill patient.  Ending may seem preachy but I feel it is helpful to the reader...  CAREGIVER is a fine title.  There are several caregivers in my clan and I find them skilled and caring.
Print versions may be tight but I like the poems I can follow Elsa around the kitchen reading them to her.  Dewell

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Closure Poem

Post  Pat on Fri Dec 01, 2017 10:17 am

Just now back to this poem.

Wow!  I so like what all of you are saying.  So helpful.  

I may get two poems out of this poem.  

Merry Christmas to all!  Bless you,

Pat

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