The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Oh my gosh! I forgot!

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Pat

Posts : 702
Join date : 2011-09-12

Oh my gosh!  I forgot!   Empty Oh my gosh! I forgot!

Post  Pat on Wed Aug 01, 2018 9:24 am

It just now popped up on my screen.
I have 3 grands here.  A little distracted.  And three guests left this weekend.  Still, I will look for a poem and send it.  I so value your critiques.  I think Dewell has been dealing with smoking issues in Oregon.  (Fires)  We are jiggling, but I will send one today.
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Pat

Posts : 702
Join date : 2011-09-12

Oh my gosh!  I forgot!   Empty Living on the Edge

Post  Pat on Thu Aug 02, 2018 7:11 am

Living on the Edge

 

Between the two of them—

no beans, no cornbread,

no fried potatoes, no tomatoes—

only broth and careful thoughts.

 

Between the two of them,

steady ears and soft talk

under a starry night,

countering the long, hard day.

 

Between the two of them,

white whispers

and surprising sparks,

hearts easing out of cages.

 

A small start.
tsukany
tsukany

Posts : 635
Join date : 2011-05-21

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Post  tsukany on Thu Aug 02, 2018 10:34 am

Hi Pat

What about cutting stanzas two and four?  Maybe some verb ( for "easing") that complements the "sparks"  (love it)?

Sweet image btw

Todd
Karen
Karen

Posts : 320
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

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Post  Karen on Fri Aug 03, 2018 7:10 am

I like the way th poem tightens up with the cut Todd suggests.  The shorter version really catches me with its intimacy.

What about hearts flickering out of cages?
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Pat

Posts : 702
Join date : 2011-09-12

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Post  Pat on Fri Aug 03, 2018 5:40 pm

I will look at it again after these teens go to bed. 
Pat
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Pat

Posts : 702
Join date : 2011-09-12

Oh my gosh!  I forgot!   Empty Reworked, after your edit

Post  Pat on Sat Aug 04, 2018 7:39 am

Smiling.  

You two know how to CUT, snip, pare down, sharpen.



Living on the Edge

 

Between the two of them—

no beans, no cornbread,

no fried potatoes, no tomatoes—

only broth and careful thoughts.

 

Between the two of them,

white whispers

and surprising sparks,

hearts flickering out of cages.
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Admin
Admin

Posts : 28
Join date : 2011-05-21

Oh my gosh!  I forgot!   Empty Reposted without double spaces

Post  Admin on Tue Aug 07, 2018 10:07 am

Living on the Edge

Between the two of them—
no beans, no cornbread,
no fried potatoes, no tomatoes—
only broth and careful thoughts.

Between the two of them,
white whispers
and surprising sparks,
hearts flickering out of cages.


I find this very satisfying
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Pat

Posts : 702
Join date : 2011-09-12

Oh my gosh!  I forgot!   Empty Thank you both.

Post  Pat on Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:42 pm

Me too. . . . very satisfying.  
I love this process.

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