The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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I forgot to Post a poem!!!

tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

I forgot to Post a poem!!! Empty I forgot to Post a poem!!!

Post  tsukany Mon Oct 31, 2022 12:20 pm

You Decide for a Change

So, preparation is paramount.  
Look 360 – front, then three mirrors, 

swift shoulder-turn to the left. 
At the last second, you realize 

you are dead; 
but like multiple times before,

you vote to pursue the shift
into oncoming traffic.

–Todd Sukany 23 Oct 2022
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

I forgot to Post a poem!!! Empty Glad you remembered!

Post  Pat Mon Oct 31, 2022 1:52 pm

Title...I almost misread, even though there was not a comma after Decide
Another option might be "When You Want to Decide"  OR  "When You Want to ____"

I like the details on shoulders, 360, mirrors, etc.
You vote--that seems weak.  What if you say, you pursue...

Underlying message seems to be:  How many times have I seen you...
A pattern.  Makes me think of how sparrows fly in a flock, but there are often one or two who join late.

I like paramount and preparation in line 1. 
Two sentences.  Good job.

Sarah Anne likes this post

Sarah Anne
Sarah Anne


Posts : 9
Join date : 2022-08-23

I forgot to Post a poem!!! Empty SW quoth

Post  Sarah Anne Sat Nov 19, 2022 10:59 pm

You are dead gives all the dramatic sound of John McCrae without anyone dying.  Nice.

Echoing Pat's idea, nix "vote" and "to" entirely see if magic happens. Or I'm fond of "opted" .
I like the idea of the title being different. Decisions were made. Roadside Attraction.  I'm not the poet I'm not sure what you were going for title wise so I'm just leaking my ideas for fun. 
Also, preparation and paramount you know is music to my ears.

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