The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Shooting for lightness in a recovery room

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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty Shooting for lightness in a recovery room

Post  Pat Fri Nov 27, 2020 8:25 pm

A Fishing Story
 
The gray-haired recovery room nurse
was checking his patient’s vitals.
Boy-like, the man trapped in a blurry world
asked the nurse, once again, to tell him a story.
 
Well sir, Doc poked a tube down your throat,
then he was off to face his first danger
of the day. He whistles while he works—
still young and full of skip, you know.
 
He then made twists and turns, glided through
valleys before he came to the bridge
with splayed fingers, holding up
titanium-planks straddling Troublesome Creek. 
 
There, Doc must have heard a stirring. Banked
his canoe. Next, he placed a tiny net
at the tip of his pole into a hole of cold water
where trout laugh at fishermen throwing flies. 
 
After the precise work was done,
Doc straightened his back and said something
about the long body of river, how she swept
debris away. Called it majestic.
 
In time, he paddled back north like
a salmon swimming upstream.
Oh, you did great. Slept soundly.
Doc did great, too. More ice?
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty Trying too hard?

Post  tsukany Sat Nov 28, 2020 8:11 am

Pat

There are three players:  a patient, a nurse (storyteller), and doctor.  

Is the story's intent to weave a surgery into a narrative about a fishing story?  I am taken from a recovery room, to a canoe, and then back to the recovery room?

How did I do?

Todd
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty You did great.

Post  Pat Sun Nov 29, 2020 3:28 pm

That's right.  And I didn't help much with the last two lines.  I just couldn't figure out how to keep quatrains and separate those out.  I thought about Free Verse.  I sent this to Last Friday, then a relative left, and I promptly got sick in the middle of the night.  Haven't been back on P C until now. If you have any suggestions, I might be able to hear them now.  I'm 95 % okay. No fever, no Covid.  Naps have been helpful.
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty More parallels

Post  tsukany Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:02 am

Pat

I lobby for a few more parallels in the "story."  Throw the reader a line or two about surgery and use fishing terms.  Let the "patient" be in and out of consciousness so the story and fishing and surgery are all mixed up.

Todd
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty Good idea!

Post  Pat Mon Nov 30, 2020 4:31 pm

And what about the title?  I changed it from Recovery Room to Fishing Story.
tsukany
tsukany


Posts : 927
Join date : 2011-05-21

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty I only know

Post  tsukany Mon Nov 30, 2020 4:54 pm

Pat

I know the poem only by the Fishing Story title.  It seems that title provides an avenue to move from prose to poetry, or at least heightened poetics.

I think the surgeon can "fish" through the patient.

Todd
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Pat


Posts : 1167
Join date : 2011-09-12

Shooting for lightness in a recovery room Empty It'll be fun to play with it.

Post  Pat Tue Dec 01, 2020 7:41 am

Thank you!

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