First Encounter... need help esp. ending.

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First Encounter... need help esp. ending.

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:02 am

I have wrestled with this poem... can't tell if it is male or female or if that matters. Poem is one of those 2:00 AM sleep stealers. All suggestions welcome. Dewell



First Encounter



I did nothing

to cause this

or to stop it

there was no flirting

dirty dancing

drugs or alcohol

I should have said no

although it wasn’t unpleasant



the rosebud does nothing

except what it must

stand tall, thorn-guarded

opening, opening, inviting



the bee sees no reason

to deny the season



I adjust my clothing

walk away

never look back

-Dewell H. Byrd

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Post  dennis20 on Tue Aug 28, 2012 11:31 am

I saw the opening as going places. My mind could see all sorts of possibilities, even the rose had meaning in the picture. I lost continuity when the bee was inserted. With the current ending, the bee presents a change of direction for my thinking.  The ending goes with the opening, but the bee seems to change the picture for me. Maybe an expansion of the first picture and then closure with the ending. Dennis

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Revision and reseeing

Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:53 pm

A poet showed his revision strategy as moving stanzas to their correct place.

What about?

First Encounter

the rosebud does nothing
except what it must
stand tall, thorn-guarded
opening, opening, inviting

the bee sees no reason
to deny the season

I did nothing
to cause this
or to stop it

there was no flirting
dirty dancing
drugs or alcohol

I should have said no
although it wasn’t unpleasant

I adjust my clothing
walk away
never look back

-Dewell H. Byrd
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Here we go, Dewell. . ..

Post  Pat on Fri Aug 31, 2012 1:54 pm

Well, I'm hearing the poet as passive and accepting about the whole thing. Rosebuds do what they do, bees do what they do. . . the man did what he does if the picnic is in front of him. Probably reality for many in this world we live in. I think many can probably identify with this. No big responsibility thing here. . .so it is not telling or preachy. Images are great. What I noticed was that you started with nature: rosebud, then bee, then man. I really have no great problem with that. . . . but what tightened it up for me was what Todd did with your poem: man, nature, man again: I did nothing. . . I adjust. . . . it just bookended it/ packaged it tighter. I think the title fits well. Helps the reader understand it. Good work. Pat

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To Dewell again

Post  dennis20 on Sun Sep 02, 2012 3:52 pm

Dewell, I must bow to the master poet.  He has seen a way to put into words what I could not. Bravo to Todd.  My eye was sharp, but alas my words were not adequate to produce real help.  This is where more than one eye is so helpful. Dennis

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