The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    First Encounter... need help esp. ending.

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    First Encounter... need help esp. ending.

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:02 am

    I have wrestled with this poem... can't tell if it is male or female or if that matters. Poem is one of those 2:00 AM sleep stealers. All suggestions welcome. Dewell



    First Encounter



    I did nothing

    to cause this

    or to stop it

    there was no flirting

    dirty dancing

    drugs or alcohol

    I should have said no

    although it wasn’t unpleasant



    the rosebud does nothing

    except what it must

    stand tall, thorn-guarded

    opening, opening, inviting



    the bee sees no reason

    to deny the season



    I adjust my clothing

    walk away

    never look back

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    reply to Dewell

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Aug 28, 2012 11:31 am

    I saw the opening as going places. My mind could see all sorts of possibilities, even the rose had meaning in the picture. I lost continuity when the bee was inserted. With the current ending, the bee presents a change of direction for my thinking.  The ending goes with the opening, but the bee seems to change the picture for me. Maybe an expansion of the first picture and then closure with the ending. Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Revision and reseeing

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:53 pm

    A poet showed his revision strategy as moving stanzas to their correct place.

    What about?

    First Encounter

    the rosebud does nothing
    except what it must
    stand tall, thorn-guarded
    opening, opening, inviting

    the bee sees no reason
    to deny the season

    I did nothing
    to cause this
    or to stop it

    there was no flirting
    dirty dancing
    drugs or alcohol

    I should have said no
    although it wasn’t unpleasant

    I adjust my clothing
    walk away
    never look back

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Here we go, Dewell. . ..

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 31, 2012 1:54 pm

    Well, I'm hearing the poet as passive and accepting about the whole thing. Rosebuds do what they do, bees do what they do. . . the man did what he does if the picnic is in front of him. Probably reality for many in this world we live in. I think many can probably identify with this. No big responsibility thing here. . .so it is not telling or preachy. Images are great. What I noticed was that you started with nature: rosebud, then bee, then man. I really have no great problem with that. . . . but what tightened it up for me was what Todd did with your poem: man, nature, man again: I did nothing. . . I adjust. . . . it just bookended it/ packaged it tighter. I think the title fits well. Helps the reader understand it. Good work. Pat

    dennis20
    Guest

    To Dewell again

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Sep 02, 2012 3:52 pm

    Dewell, I must bow to the master poet.  He has seen a way to put into words what I could not. Bravo to Todd.  My eye was sharp, but alas my words were not adequate to produce real help.  This is where more than one eye is so helpful. Dennis

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