The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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    dennis20
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    Comments welcomed

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:43 am

    does the poem go with the title? Any other comments welcomed. Sorry, I'm late.

    Ingenuity

    A wayward crow

    carrying a crust

    of bread flew

     

    into my yard,

    to the birdbath,

    and dropped it

     

    into the water, then

    swiped his beak

    against the bread

     

    moving it back

    and forth, cautiously

    watching the yard

     

    for any movement

    of danger.  When

    the bread was wet

     

    he pecked off

    bite after bite

    until it was eaten

     

    and flew away

    caroling

    the neighborhood.

     
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Clear image

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 06, 2012 12:56 pm

    Dennis...I like the clarity of image. Two places stop me: until it was eaten (gone) and caroling. Seems like crows do more than that. Glad you have posted...I missed hearing from you.

    Pat

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Glad you posted, late, early or on-time. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:19 pm

    I'm thinking about crows. Okay, I don't think about them that much. However, I see them all the time where I live. What do they commonly do that gets my attention: they caw like gossipy women, always crying yaw,yaw, yaw. I don't think of them as caroling. They fill the air with violent sounds at times? They seem ambivalent to me. . . like not able to make up their minds. Do they circle always or sometimes? They seem over-sized. They circle and land. . . tattered feathers sometimes. They are soooo black. Are they messengers or do they warn? I'm not sure. But they have the greatest freedom. I think they swoop and hop and peck. It might add interest if she/he ? were doing more than eating bread, something like getting rid of a corpse? I'm laughing that I even wrote that down. (My husband calls them and turkey vultures environmentalists, trash pickup, etc.) Eating: might he be an empty bird stuffing his belly? Maybe he could drop a feather? Sometimes they are social in flocks, but yours could be a cad, a rogue crow? Remember, we have the liberty to embellish what we see. Yours seems to be an unhurried bird. I think you have the basic poem here. I'd just check verbs (making them as powerful as you can) and I'd add one or two more things for the reader.

    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Dennis's Comments Wanted

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:34 pm

    Dennis, I like the title and especiallythe subject... crows are a puzzlement to me. ..I agree with Pat's pecking, not eating, comment... You know, crows sometimes leave a gift after eating... I can see it moving the bread, examining it... They do make a feeding sound... The caroling seems out of place... When full they have a strut, assumed authority, not unlike a midwife or a mortician...

    Remember the old saying... "Kill a crow and 30 will come to the funeral?" Dewell

    dennis20
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    Post  dennis20 on Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:20 pm

    sorry I didn't embelish on what I observed. I thought he acted with intelligence in dipping the bread in the water to soften it so it was edible, hence the title.
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    tsukany

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    I got it

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:50 am

    Dennis...I found the "ingenuity" inside the poem too. I like 'em clear in image. I think your title fits the poem well.

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