Comments welcomed

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Comments welcomed

Post  dennis20 on Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:43 am

does the poem go with the title? Any other comments welcomed. Sorry, I'm late.

Ingenuity

A wayward crow

carrying a crust

of bread flew

 

into my yard,

to the birdbath,

and dropped it

 

into the water, then

swiped his beak

against the bread

 

moving it back

and forth, cautiously

watching the yard

 

for any movement

of danger.  When

the bread was wet

 

he pecked off

bite after bite

until it was eaten

 

and flew away

caroling

the neighborhood.

 

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Clear image

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 06, 2012 12:56 pm

Dennis...I like the clarity of image. Two places stop me: until it was eaten (gone) and caroling. Seems like crows do more than that. Glad you have posted...I missed hearing from you.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 508
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Glad you posted, late, early or on-time. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:19 pm

I'm thinking about crows. Okay, I don't think about them that much. However, I see them all the time where I live. What do they commonly do that gets my attention: they caw like gossipy women, always crying yaw,yaw, yaw. I don't think of them as caroling. They fill the air with violent sounds at times? They seem ambivalent to me. . . like not able to make up their minds. Do they circle always or sometimes? They seem over-sized. They circle and land. . . tattered feathers sometimes. They are soooo black. Are they messengers or do they warn? I'm not sure. But they have the greatest freedom. I think they swoop and hop and peck. It might add interest if she/he ? were doing more than eating bread, something like getting rid of a corpse? I'm laughing that I even wrote that down. (My husband calls them and turkey vultures environmentalists, trash pickup, etc.) Eating: might he be an empty bird stuffing his belly? Maybe he could drop a feather? Sometimes they are social in flocks, but yours could be a cad, a rogue crow? Remember, we have the liberty to embellish what we see. Yours seems to be an unhurried bird. I think you have the basic poem here. I'd just check verbs (making them as powerful as you can) and I'd add one or two more things for the reader.

Pat

Posts : 538
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Dennis's Comments Wanted

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:34 pm

Dennis, I like the title and especiallythe subject... crows are a puzzlement to me. ..I agree with Pat's pecking, not eating, comment... You know, crows sometimes leave a gift after eating... I can see it moving the bread, examining it... They do make a feeding sound... The caroling seems out of place... When full they have a strut, assumed authority, not unlike a midwife or a mortician...

Remember the old saying... "Kill a crow and 30 will come to the funeral?" Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 305
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

add a comment

Post  dennis20 on Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:20 pm

sorry I didn't embelish on what I observed. I thought he acted with intelligence in dipping the bread in the water to soften it so it was edible, hence the title.

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

I got it

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:50 am

Dennis...I found the "ingenuity" inside the poem too. I like 'em clear in image. I think your title fits the poem well.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 508
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Comments welcomed

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum