The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Line breaks? What else?

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    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Line breaks? What else?

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:27 pm

     The Builders

    Sketchy ladders
    help them rise high
    and go back down
    to the ground.
    With obvious pleasure,
    they measure each board
    then cut.  The frame
    holds tools, lumber,
    nail guns.  Hands
    hammer defying gravity,
    defying fear
    under a blue bowl of sky.
    The men ping jokes
    and bark hard laughs
    as the angled pattern
    comes together,
    moments of solitude,
    respect between them.
    Builders follow ladders
    until late afternoon
    when they pronounce
    the house as
    solid.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Comments below

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 7:40 am

     The Builders  (Still challenging the definite article . . . not suggesting anything but a challenge)

    Sketchy ladders
    help them rise high (rise and high are the same  should be able to change or cut one)
    and go back down
    to the ground.  (seems redundant)
    With obvious pleasure,  (could be a place to show rather than observe)
    they measure each board  (I like the sound of pleasure and measure)
    then cut.  The frame
    holds tools, lumber,
    nail guns.  Hands  (nail gun is a tool.  Maybe another specific in the previous line?)
    hammer defying gravity,
    defying fear
    under a blue bowl of sky.
    The men ping jokes
    and bark hard laughs
    as the angled pattern
    comes together,
    moments of solitude,
    respect between them.
    Builders follow ladders
    until late afternoon
    when they pronounce
    the house as (Is it stronger with or without "as"?)
    solid.

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    This makes me happy. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Nov 23, 2014 8:06 am

    I actually hesitated on 3 things you mentioned.  Progress for me.  You are confirming what I sort of know.  I need the confirmation.  Thank you!    What else, guys? 
    Thanks for getting us going this early in the month, Todd.

    dennis20
    Guest

    A saw at the scene

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:03 pm

    Pat,   A couple things I see to go along with Todd's comments.  I have a problem with the "Hands hammer defying gravity, defying fear under a blue bowl of sky." I would entertain a comma after hammer and after fear.  I know that looks like a lot of commas, but it's that or use "and" to connect defying gravity and defying fear. 
    The men ping jokes 
    and bark hard laughs   here you use plural nouns and singular verbs


    as the angled pattern    here you use singular noun and plural verb
    comes together,
    moments of solitude,
    respect between them.


    I would suggest leaving jokes and laughs and say "angled patterns come together" 


    I like the picture.

    Karen

    Posts : 282
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Line breaks? What else?

    Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:20 pm

    I like the picture too.

    You are all inspiring me to look outside my own skin.  I'm having a hard time getting past that barrier.  Maybe it's a product of making such a late start writing.  Bear with me.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    THE BUILDERS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 29, 2014 12:02 pm

    Pat... these guys have just about marked twice and sawed once on your poem.  I like the laughs and jokes and angles and patterns.  Mostly it is the ending that holds me.  Guys standing there admiring their work, ignoring blisters and tired backs... dropping tool belts and reaching for a cool one, stretching the moment.  Line breaks suit me as Todd & Dennis have suggested.  Something about the hammers & gravity still seems rough to me but I can't quite find it.  Title is good, too.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    My Rewrite in case you are interested. If you see anything else, do tell me.

    Post  Pat on Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:51 pm

         Builders

     

    Sketchy ladders

    help them rise high

    and go back down.

    They measure

    each board twice

    then cut. The frame

    holds lumber,

    a level, nail guns. 

    Hands hammer

    defying gravity

    under the blue bowl

    overhead.

    The men ping jokes

    and bark hard laughs.

    Angled patterns

    come together,

    moments of solitude,

    respect between them.

    Builders follow ladders

    until late afternoon

    when they pronounce

    the house

    solid.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Last minute check

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:12 am

    Hi Pat,

    What about a challenge issued to every verb to see how close it could be to a "building" image?  For instance "bark" is not the same as "ping."

    Thanks for sharing

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Good, good thought.

    Post  Pat on Sun Nov 30, 2014 8:29 am

    Thank you!  I forget to do this with my poems!  I know it and forget to look at this aspect.

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