Line breaks? What else?

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Line breaks? What else?

Post  Pat on Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:27 pm

 The Builders

Sketchy ladders
help them rise high
and go back down
to the ground.
With obvious pleasure,
they measure each board
then cut.  The frame
holds tools, lumber,
nail guns.  Hands
hammer defying gravity,
defying fear
under a blue bowl of sky.
The men ping jokes
and bark hard laughs
as the angled pattern
comes together,
moments of solitude,
respect between them.
Builders follow ladders
until late afternoon
when they pronounce
the house as
solid.

Pat

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Comments below

Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 7:40 am

 The Builders  (Still challenging the definite article . . . not suggesting anything but a challenge)

Sketchy ladders
help them rise high (rise and high are the same  should be able to change or cut one)
and go back down
to the ground.  (seems redundant)
With obvious pleasure,  (could be a place to show rather than observe)
they measure each board  (I like the sound of pleasure and measure)
then cut.  The frame
holds tools, lumber,
nail guns.  Hands  (nail gun is a tool.  Maybe another specific in the previous line?)
hammer defying gravity,
defying fear
under a blue bowl of sky.
The men ping jokes
and bark hard laughs
as the angled pattern
comes together,
moments of solitude,
respect between them.
Builders follow ladders
until late afternoon
when they pronounce
the house as (Is it stronger with or without "as"?)
solid.
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tsukany

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This makes me happy. . . .

Post  Pat on Sun Nov 23, 2014 8:06 am

I actually hesitated on 3 things you mentioned.  Progress for me.  You are confirming what I sort of know.  I need the confirmation.  Thank you!    What else, guys? 
Thanks for getting us going this early in the month, Todd.

Pat

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A saw at the scene

Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:03 pm

Pat,   A couple things I see to go along with Todd's comments.  I have a problem with the "Hands hammer defying gravity, defying fear under a blue bowl of sky." I would entertain a comma after hammer and after fear.  I know that looks like a lot of commas, but it's that or use "and" to connect defying gravity and defying fear. 
The men ping jokes 
and bark hard laughs   here you use plural nouns and singular verbs


as the angled pattern    here you use singular noun and plural verb
comes together,
moments of solitude,
respect between them.


I would suggest leaving jokes and laughs and say "angled patterns come together" 


I like the picture.

dennis20
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Re: Line breaks? What else?

Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:20 pm

I like the picture too.

You are all inspiring me to look outside my own skin.  I'm having a hard time getting past that barrier.  Maybe it's a product of making such a late start writing.  Bear with me.
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THE BUILDERS

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 29, 2014 12:02 pm

Pat... these guys have just about marked twice and sawed once on your poem.  I like the laughs and jokes and angles and patterns.  Mostly it is the ending that holds me.  Guys standing there admiring their work, ignoring blisters and tired backs... dropping tool belts and reaching for a cool one, stretching the moment.  Line breaks suit me as Todd & Dennis have suggested.  Something about the hammers & gravity still seems rough to me but I can't quite find it.  Title is good, too.  Dewell

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My Rewrite in case you are interested. If you see anything else, do tell me.

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:51 pm

     Builders

 

Sketchy ladders

help them rise high

and go back down.

They measure

each board twice

then cut. The frame

holds lumber,

a level, nail guns. 

Hands hammer

defying gravity

under the blue bowl

overhead.

The men ping jokes

and bark hard laughs.

Angled patterns

come together,

moments of solitude,

respect between them.

Builders follow ladders

until late afternoon

when they pronounce

the house

solid.

Pat

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Last minute check

Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:12 am

Hi Pat,

What about a challenge issued to every verb to see how close it could be to a "building" image?  For instance "bark" is not the same as "ping."

Thanks for sharing
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Good, good thought.

Post  Pat on Sun Nov 30, 2014 8:29 am

Thank you!  I forget to do this with my poems!  I know it and forget to look at this aspect.

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Re: Line breaks? What else?

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