Among comments lend me a title

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Among comments lend me a title

Post  Dennis 20 on Wed Aug 26, 2015 9:02 pm

Will be out of town til Monday.  Would like to have comments and a title for this.

Too behind in line
at the store checkout.
Eons. What, why?

An old man ahead
must be Job.  He stands
with items in hand
     until room 
on conveyor available.

The lady between us turns
to make small talk.

Agitation boils, words
ready to spew toward
the clerk and young man
paying, until he raises 
his prosthetic arm and
moves the cart.

Dennis 20
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Re: Among comments lend me a title

Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 28, 2015 6:21 am

Dennis

I would use the second line (maybe lose "store") of stanza one for a title and cut the rest.  Start with stanza two.  For me "Agitation boils" is a shift in POV that is distracting.  I know that it's the narrator, but it can be tied to the nearest noun, the lady.

I like this offering.

Todd
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At the Checkout

Post  Pat on Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:38 pm

At the Checkout is a great suggestion.   Tells where, so we get the rest of the poem referring to conveyor belt, etc. 
The lines that refer to narrator are:   Too behind in line,  What?  Why? Agitation boils, etc.   You have 3 or 4 ?  players.  The big deal:  what is it?  your surprise at the prosthetic?  Your anger at the man who has to go slow?  How important is the chatty woman? 
If you leave yourself in it, I suggest you somehow stand still or slow at the sight of the prosthetic.  Mainly because he is slowed down, you are boiling, so the action can be an internal slowing or pause. 
I like the narrative.  I can identify.

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LEND ME A TITLE

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:06 pm

I like "In The Check-out Line"...  The frustration is contagious in this narrative... we've all been there.  Poem has lots of actors... maybe too many.  Poem could be lengthened via more info about the Slo-Guy as time goes by... Does he have patience?  Show awareness of fellow shoppers?
Multiple items in his basket?  Good subject to grow a poem.  Dewell

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Re: Among comments lend me a title

Post  Karen on Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:46 am

Longer, please.  There are lots of characters for the length, but I don't want to drop anybody. I want a little more about them. 

Title ... how about Checking Out?
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Not so discrete heat

Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:40 pm

Thanks to all.  I think the short "Checking out"  grabs me.  I wanted to shame the irate waiter. Maybe I didn't say enough for anyone to really pick up on that.  I think we all may be embarrassed on ocassions when we see "why" everything has come to a screeching halt and we are late and impatient.  I see it a lot in traffic. I thougt it happens in checkout lines so I went that avenue.  Thanks everyone.  Sorry I am late on getting to your poems.  Been to Tulsa over the weekend.

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