The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Among comments lend me a title

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    Dennis 20
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    Among comments lend me a title

    Post  Dennis 20 on Wed Aug 26, 2015 9:02 pm

    Will be out of town til Monday.  Would like to have comments and a title for this.

    Too behind in line
    at the store checkout.
    Eons. What, why?

    An old man ahead
    must be Job.  He stands
    with items in hand
         until room 
    on conveyor available.

    The lady between us turns
    to make small talk.

    Agitation boils, words
    ready to spew toward
    the clerk and young man
    paying, until he raises 
    his prosthetic arm and
    moves the cart.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 586
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Re: Among comments lend me a title

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 28, 2015 6:21 am

    Dennis

    I would use the second line (maybe lose "store") of stanza one for a title and cut the rest.  Start with stanza two.  For me "Agitation boils" is a shift in POV that is distracting.  I know that it's the narrator, but it can be tied to the nearest noun, the lady.

    I like this offering.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    At the Checkout

    Post  Pat on Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:38 pm

    At the Checkout is a great suggestion.   Tells where, so we get the rest of the poem referring to conveyor belt, etc. 
    The lines that refer to narrator are:   Too behind in line,  What?  Why? Agitation boils, etc.   You have 3 or 4 ?  players.  The big deal:  what is it?  your surprise at the prosthetic?  Your anger at the man who has to go slow?  How important is the chatty woman? 
    If you leave yourself in it, I suggest you somehow stand still or slow at the sight of the prosthetic.  Mainly because he is slowed down, you are boiling, so the action can be an internal slowing or pause. 
    I like the narrative.  I can identify.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    LEND ME A TITLE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:06 pm

    I like "In The Check-out Line"...  The frustration is contagious in this narrative... we've all been there.  Poem has lots of actors... maybe too many.  Poem could be lengthened via more info about the Slo-Guy as time goes by... Does he have patience?  Show awareness of fellow shoppers?
    Multiple items in his basket?  Good subject to grow a poem.  Dewell

    Karen

    Posts : 283
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Among comments lend me a title

    Post  Karen on Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:46 am

    Longer, please.  There are lots of characters for the length, but I don't want to drop anybody. I want a little more about them. 

    Title ... how about Checking Out?

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Not so discrete heat

    Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:40 pm

    Thanks to all.  I think the short "Checking out"  grabs me.  I wanted to shame the irate waiter. Maybe I didn't say enough for anyone to really pick up on that.  I think we all may be embarrassed on ocassions when we see "why" everything has come to a screeching halt and we are late and impatient.  I see it a lot in traffic. I thougt it happens in checkout lines so I went that avenue.  Thanks everyone.  Sorry I am late on getting to your poems.  Been to Tulsa over the weekend.

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