List poem. Trying to show frustrations and end with hope.

What You Should Know by 77 Years Old
 
First and foremost, you cannot keep smashing
the toothpaste tube just because it feels fun
to your fingers. It makes me want to slither
and smash shaving cream. I haven’t yet, but
it brings temptation into my path and,
 
second, the kitchen duties belong to the two of us.
Somehow we must have watched parents
and thought otherwise. Really, the outside work
does not belong to you alone, nor does the inside
belong solely to me. I see it each time it snows,
and I’m stuck with washing dishes and,
 
third, Donna Falls does not live in Fox, Arkansas,
not since her family put her in the orphanage.
None of that was her fault, of course. Life goes on,
and that was forever ago. So, when you retell
that hullabaloo story of a kindness you did for her
or she did for you, I don’t like it. And the story
tends to grow with each telling and,
 
fourth, I hope to leave this world someday
with folded hands, dreaming of you and me
sitting side by side on porch steps
with a haloed moon hovering over us.

Pat

I think the story needs to be told.  There are some lines that are commentary rather than instructional (i.e. It makes me want . . . .)

The poem seems to work very hard to be a poem (slither . . smash . .  shaving).  I lobby you relax a bit and let the story tell itself.

Instructional poems/videos need to stay the course and be instructional.  I might examine every line/sentence to be sure that all is instruction.  Another title might be:  What I know at 77. 

I love the detail of "Donna Falls" as though EVERYONE knows Donna.  Love it.

Love to see another revision soon

Todd

I think I see what you are saying.  I'll do a revision.  (I'm messing with it this morning.... spring break for everyone else means people are coming and going.  I am cleaning and cooking....  And our autistic Haven cut her own hair!  Lordy, Lordy! And bless her heart!  A beauty shop has to be worked into the list.  She has a prom in three weeks.  Girl stuff.) I think our Seventies are different from what I expected... usually a good different.)  Back to you....hey, no one else is here for the moment, so you are my sounding board. 

What I Know at 76
 
First and foremost, you cannot keep smashing
the toothpaste tube just because it feels fun
to your fingers and,
 
second, the kitchen duties belong to the two of us.
And really, the outside work does not belong to you alone,
nor does the inside belong solely to me.
You must help me with the evening dishes and,
 
third, Donna Falls does not live in Fox, Arkansas,
not since her family put her in the orphanage.
None of that was her fault, of course, and it was
forever ago. So, when you retell that hullabaloo story,
and you must, just tell it like it really happened and,
 
fourth, I hope to leave this world someday
with folded hands, dreaming of you and me
sitting side by side on porch steps
with a haloed moon hovering over us.

second, you must help me with the evening dishes.
Really, the outside work does not belong to you alone,
nor does the inside belong solely to me.

??????????????

Pat

This version seems to be lighter in tone and much more spirited.

I lobby for "finally" rather than "fourth" (more playful fun).

I feel like I am missing the intent of "haloed" and hullabaloo (but more haloed).  What was your intent (if you can share it without messing with this reader's unbiased view)?

Todd

second, the kitchen duties belong to the two of us.
You must help me with the evening dishes.
And really, the outside work does not belong to you alone,
nor does the inside belong solely to me and,

I am not sure it's better, but the version may inspire the actual text.

Todd

your last two posts.  So here is what we have.  I think I LIKE it!   I was using haloed to be like sacred, holy. (I changed it to big.)  Hullabaloo was added for his expanded version where he blows it bigger than it actually was... whatever it takes to make a Big story.    He and his brother can tell some whoppers when telling a story, but this story has me in it too, so I don't want him expanding it any bigger.  Someone might actually believe him!   

What I Know at 76
 
First and foremost, you cannot keep smashing
the toothpaste tube just because it feels fun
to your fingers and,
 
second, the kitchen duties belong to the two of us.
You must help me with the evening dishes.
And really, the outside work does not belong to you alone,
nor does the inside belong solely to me and,
 
third, Donna Falls does not live in Fox, Arkansas,
not since her family put her in the orphanage.
None of that was her fault, of course, and it was
forever ago. So, when you retell that hullabaloo story,
and you must, just tell it like it really happened and,
 
finally, I hope to leave this world someday
with folded hands, dreaming of you and me
sitting side by side on porch steps
with a big moon hovering over us.