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    "AS TIME GOES BY" Early Retirement

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    "AS TIME GOES BY" Early Retirement

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jan 26, 2013 6:21 pm

    Preparing this for an OLLI contest that the SHAKESPEARE FESTIVAL people are conducting. I talked them into this event as a way to attract more senior citizenry attention to OSF events that are now year round. All suggestions appreciated. Dewell, aging well.

    “AS TIME GOES BY”



    Early Retirement

    It isn’t every day I think of work.

    Some days slip by like worn prayer beads

    or like bubbles that glisten in the rain

    and roll down the blacktop sidewalk

    outside my “Man Cave” window.

    Most days are filled with the music

    of the slow-dance and slide by unnoticed.



    It isn’t every day I think of work.

    Some days are filled with playing tourist

    watching a column of leaf-cutters

    and lazing iguanas in Cancun

    or absorbing the drone of bees

    that curtsy on red clover blossoms

    half drunk on the nectar of their on gods.



    I seldom remember there was a time

    before the ache of half-filled days.



    It isn’t every day I think of work.

    I’ll bet they’ve already broken my coffee cup.



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    (Age 82)
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Really fine images Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:49 am

    “AS TIME GOES BY”

    Early Retirement

    It isn’t every day I think of work.
    Some days slip by like worn prayer beads (I got stuck here. I tried to make these a restatement but prayer beds are a symbol of long and bubbles are very short-lived)
    or like bubbles that glisten in the rain
    and roll down the blacktop sidewalk (I got tripped by "roll." It was hard for me to see that)
    outside my “Man Cave” window.
    Most days are filled with the music (Seems like "music" and "slow-dance" are redundant. I prefer the latter.)
    of the slow-dance and slide by unnoticed.

    It isn’t every day I think of work.
    Some days are filled with playing tourist
    watching a column of leaf-cutters
    and lazing iguanas in Cancun
    or absorbing the drone of bees
    that curtsy on red clover blossoms
    half drunk on the nectar of their on gods. (this is all good stuff)

    I seldom remember there was a time (I wonder if this stanza is out of place? Maybe this is line two and three of the next stanza? Then you'd have three stanzas beginning with the same refrain)
    before the ache of half-filled days.

    It isn’t every day I think of work.
    I’ll bet they’ve already broken my coffee cup. (I think you get more mileage out of "mug") (I also wonder if this is the place for "early retirement" mug.)

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    (Age 82)

    dennis20
    Guest

    as time goes by

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:49 pm

    beautiful thoughts and images.  It seems unbalanced if in nothing else the lack of looks that a stanza at the end would add. It ends shapeless with little to show where you've gone. You've spent two stanzas going places and leave the reader hanging without closure.  Maybe what I'm saying is that it needs something more before parting. Can you elaborate on why you say "the half-filled days? "

     

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Early Retirement. . . . memory lane for me. . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Jan 27, 2013 9:09 pm

    The imagery IS strong. Repetition of 10 syllables at the beginning of each strophe is definitely a plus.

    I was trying to imagine days slipping by being like bubbles and beads. . . .I just know those things are round. Do they slip by? What about strings of rain. . .? that drips and falls and is fragrant. But does it slip by. . . ? Sort of and it can slow-dance. I wonder if it has a sound like plink, plink, plink or however it sounds to your ear. So, days slip by unnoticed.

    I'd like it if you did a repeat of the same line in 1st and 2nd verse (first line.) My mind is set for it. You are keeping me focused with that line. (I know that 3rd stanza is where your feeling is, that ache, that loss, the emptiness time, but I think you are showing it in the other stanzas. I wonder if the reader needs that stanza. Always hard for me to let go of the feeling line, so you may have to keep it somewhere else.

    I like your closure stanza. . . cup or mug, whichever. (I remember when I watched yellow school buses after I quit teaching. This had some nostalgia for me.)
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Lobby for "mug"

    Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:55 am

    I think "mug" can carry the connotation of "mug shot" and by implication...you retired and they've forgotten even your face.

    It isn’t every day I think of work.
    I seldom remember there was a time
    before the ache of half-filled days.
    I’ll bet they’ve already broken my "early retirement" mug.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dewell, I do like what Todd did

    Post  Pat on Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:12 am

    with your last stanza. Good that we can play with each other's lines. Pat

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